faye

Forget the candy coated last message but please see it if what you view this blog for are pictures and good news.


One of my biggest pet peeves in life is that I am unable to completely protect those whom I love. Any time I care deeply for someone I want to protect them in every aspect. However I have to admit that I don't even try. I only allow myself to stand by their side while they make their own decisions and be there to catch them when they fall. I truly believe that's the way life should be, that is how you learn and how you grow. This does however, completely and utterly break my heart.

I've always had blank books. I don't call them diaries. I don't call them journals. I have never and will never write in them every single day. I do not divulge to them my everyday happenings. I have only ever written in them either when I have some revaluation about life or myself or, when I need someone but have no one.

The majority of the writings have always been for the second reason.

I think I have about 5 of them spanning over the past 10 years. And as I look back through them, flipping through the pages I see the following. I see big entries about dreams that go on forever and exhibit specific detail. I see that my writing changes when I'm angry. I notice that I am hardly ever angry at anyone but myself always placing the blame for anything and everything on me instead of others or chalking it up to circumstance. And then I see pages that are left almost blank. On these pages my writing is always loopy and girlie. On these pages, over and over again I've written "Wont you hold my hand."

Because of that history I have turned into the hand holder. The friend who always wants to be there when there are tears, broken hearts and losses. I'm not good with words and have most likely failed miserably every time I have even attempted to console anyone. However, to those whom I love I will always be there to stand beside them and simply hold their hand. To let them know that I care and that they are not alone.

The only place I want to be right now is Seoul Korea.

*** I miss you, I love you, come home ***