faye

The day Life caught me.

I guess I was gone too long. I got lucky and slipped under the radar. And once I was out I never looked back in fear of the past.

I just ran.

And where I ended up was somewhere near happiness. Not quit there, but maybe, possibly close to "as good as it gets." My days and nights were filled with nothing but what my little dreamer heart disired. Days in the sun, nights in the studio with the doors and windows opened wide. Creating painting after painting, playing guitar (or trying to), writting pages and poems and songs. Exploring, dreaming, soul searching, healing....and for the first time ever actually living. And living for no one but myself.

In order to obtain all this, it was clear to me that I had to let go, that I had to change. It was necessary to be scared, to be unsure and t risk everything. Because at that time, if I didn't, I would have lost it all anyways, or taken it away from myself.

I have no regrets.

I did it all for myself, my one great completely selfish act of my life. (Not that I will eve claim to be selfless.) And I gained so much, I grew to understand so many more things about myself, about love, about lonliness, about life. But good things don't last forever......and one by one all the things I had suspended, balanced almost weightlessly fell back into place.

Now I'm not sure of the actual date but somewhere along the way Life caught me. Maybe she spotted me while she was following someone else making them miserable. Maybe she missed pricking the little voodoo doll she made in my likeness and came looking for me. Maybe it was that day the old man tipped his cart over while crossing the street. When the group of highschool kids laughed and pointed at him and cars honked. Maybe I gave myself up when I ran out to help him? That seems like her doing, she would have been looking down with that evil smirk she may have even chuckled.

Either way....it must have happened.

I know this because since then. Since the time when the days were bright and the blackness that lives inside me started to retreate I have been trying. Doing everything and anything I could to keep that feeling. And even though all of my efforts went into this.....

I still wound up getting myself into a situation exactly like the one I was in before.
Only this time....I have even bigger worries.

Life....she's such a bitch.