I feel myself growing more and more bitter every day. Im not really sure where my dissatisfaction stems from, but I think what I am most upset about is the fact that I am upset at all. I mean, I have a lot of really great things going for me. I have a strong plan for my future. I have great friends. I have a decent-ish job in my field which will help boost my position in the business world. I have really been enjoying nature and being out in it. And yet I cant seem to shake this feeling that something isnt right.
I took some fairly drastic measures last week to try and stem off one area of discomfort - women. Results were mixed. I feel resolved with the situation, but I cant help but think that I dunno, somehow it should have ended differently. Not necessarily that it should have worked out, or whatever. Just that something still doesnt quite fit. Or maybe it does and I am almost not ok with how well it fits. As you can see, its still very confusing.
As far as work, I have to say I am headed in the right direction. Am I enjoying it? Well, sometimes. When shit goes well, then yes, I enjoy it very much and feel like I am making steps towards my goals. Then sometimes that shit hits the fan and it all blows up. Take for example youth theatre: I ended up TDing a show that I said I refused to TD. The result? I did all the work for none of the pay (well, I may get some of the pay, but thats still a bit up in the air) and in the process made myself look like a total fool. I was so busy with work I wasnt contracted to do on one show that I was unable to uphold my responsibilities to another show, as well as commitments I made to my mentor/boss. It got pretty messy for a day or so. Its all over now, but I still feel like a total slacker/jackass for the whole thing.
I hope I made the right decision on schools. Its too late to worry about now, but I am still bothered. UCSD is a good school. A great school, even. But still, NYU is, well, NYU. And its in New York. I dunno, I really dont have much to say about this other than I hope I have chosen wisely.
My best friend got on a plane for Hawaii today. He wont be back until August 1st, the same day that I leave for Europe for a month. After I get back, I will be here for a week or so before I move for 3 years, and I think he will be in Whistler probably. Im not sure why, but I feel lost. I am super thankful for all he did for me here. But I wont deny that I am pissed the good times have ended. As the Rolling Stones song he kept singing says, what a drag it is getting old.
I think tomorrow I am gonna go bouldering by myself. Just to get up in the mountains. That always makes the rest of my day better.
I took some fairly drastic measures last week to try and stem off one area of discomfort - women. Results were mixed. I feel resolved with the situation, but I cant help but think that I dunno, somehow it should have ended differently. Not necessarily that it should have worked out, or whatever. Just that something still doesnt quite fit. Or maybe it does and I am almost not ok with how well it fits. As you can see, its still very confusing.
As far as work, I have to say I am headed in the right direction. Am I enjoying it? Well, sometimes. When shit goes well, then yes, I enjoy it very much and feel like I am making steps towards my goals. Then sometimes that shit hits the fan and it all blows up. Take for example youth theatre: I ended up TDing a show that I said I refused to TD. The result? I did all the work for none of the pay (well, I may get some of the pay, but thats still a bit up in the air) and in the process made myself look like a total fool. I was so busy with work I wasnt contracted to do on one show that I was unable to uphold my responsibilities to another show, as well as commitments I made to my mentor/boss. It got pretty messy for a day or so. Its all over now, but I still feel like a total slacker/jackass for the whole thing.
I hope I made the right decision on schools. Its too late to worry about now, but I am still bothered. UCSD is a good school. A great school, even. But still, NYU is, well, NYU. And its in New York. I dunno, I really dont have much to say about this other than I hope I have chosen wisely.
My best friend got on a plane for Hawaii today. He wont be back until August 1st, the same day that I leave for Europe for a month. After I get back, I will be here for a week or so before I move for 3 years, and I think he will be in Whistler probably. Im not sure why, but I feel lost. I am super thankful for all he did for me here. But I wont deny that I am pissed the good times have ended. As the Rolling Stones song he kept singing says, what a drag it is getting old.
I think tomorrow I am gonna go bouldering by myself. Just to get up in the mountains. That always makes the rest of my day better.