ok. so i was feeling kinda shitty about myself.
then my ex called.
now, i feel COMPLETELY shitty.
I was with my ex for 3 1/2 years. We were engaged to be married. Not engaged like talked about it and joked about it, engaged like i bought her a ring, we had plans, a date and had put a deposit on a location.
We had an apartment together for 2 years. They were, without a doubt, the happiest 2 years of my life. I had a shitty retail job, where I had to work like 60 hours a week. I also went to a shitty community college full time. I was tired and sick, and sick of being tired. But I didn't care, because when I got home, I saw her. Her and our cat, Boogers.
She was the first and last person I saw every day, and that was worth every other part of my daily life being shit.
Then, a little more than a year ago, she cheated on me. I forgave her. She did it again. I forgave her. Then, we were broken up for about a week. Then we decided to be together, but not get married until after school. We also decided to move back in with our parents, which was fine, cause it's only a half block away from each other.
Then, in February, she moved back into the city with a friend. She said, "I still love you, I always will. This won't change anything. I just need to move out of my house because it's making me crazy." I said, "OK."
In March, she told me that she's "not in a healthy place mentally right now. I don't think we should be together, I need some space. But I still love you and I still want to be with you one day."
I was totally willing to wait.
About a month ago she said that she's "not sure what will happen. I don't know if we'll get back together."
We're friends. I am willing to do this because I will do anythng just to have her in my life in some way. If she wasn't in my life at all, I don't know what I'd do.
But frankly, it's the hardest fucking thing I've ever done. Not being able to kiss her... not being able to sleep with her (literally and figuratively)... not having her as a girlfriend. I sometimes wish that I could hate her, but she is the most beautiful person in the world... I love her mind, heart, soul and body equally.
I really don't know if I can do this anymore.
then my ex called.
now, i feel COMPLETELY shitty.
I was with my ex for 3 1/2 years. We were engaged to be married. Not engaged like talked about it and joked about it, engaged like i bought her a ring, we had plans, a date and had put a deposit on a location.
We had an apartment together for 2 years. They were, without a doubt, the happiest 2 years of my life. I had a shitty retail job, where I had to work like 60 hours a week. I also went to a shitty community college full time. I was tired and sick, and sick of being tired. But I didn't care, because when I got home, I saw her. Her and our cat, Boogers.
She was the first and last person I saw every day, and that was worth every other part of my daily life being shit.
Then, a little more than a year ago, she cheated on me. I forgave her. She did it again. I forgave her. Then, we were broken up for about a week. Then we decided to be together, but not get married until after school. We also decided to move back in with our parents, which was fine, cause it's only a half block away from each other.
Then, in February, she moved back into the city with a friend. She said, "I still love you, I always will. This won't change anything. I just need to move out of my house because it's making me crazy." I said, "OK."
In March, she told me that she's "not in a healthy place mentally right now. I don't think we should be together, I need some space. But I still love you and I still want to be with you one day."
I was totally willing to wait.
About a month ago she said that she's "not sure what will happen. I don't know if we'll get back together."
We're friends. I am willing to do this because I will do anythng just to have her in my life in some way. If she wasn't in my life at all, I don't know what I'd do.
But frankly, it's the hardest fucking thing I've ever done. Not being able to kiss her... not being able to sleep with her (literally and figuratively)... not having her as a girlfriend. I sometimes wish that I could hate her, but she is the most beautiful person in the world... I love her mind, heart, soul and body equally.
I really don't know if I can do this anymore.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
wether she wants you in her life or not, she obviously wants more than just you in it... and if she's already been unfaithful twice, whats to stop her from doing it again? do you really want to get married to her, knowing that she might do it again? possibly once youve got kids? what then? i dunno, i guess im getting all negative.... but theres other fish in the sea, and its much better to have someone that will return your faithfulness in kind, than someone who's had other cranks in her face... but then again what do i know about it? seriously...