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fatdavid8

Cook Islands

Member Since 2004

Followers 16 Following 35

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Sunday Dec 12, 2004

Dec 12, 2004
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If things don't improve for my poor, malfunctioning ass, today's entry may just be my SG swan song. I suppose I should say my good-byes now, for if I have another BM like the last one I am surely going to die.

M.F., my wife, has been on a trip to visit an old friend from college, and I have been fending for myself and generally eating whatever I felt like eating. Somewhere during my gastronomic adventures, I must have ingested a mixture of shotgun shot, muriatic acid, sulfur, gunpowder, gasoline, and orange juice, for that appears to be what blew my toilet into the basement this morning.

To make matters worse, I may afterward have used too much Preparation H Cooling Gel to alleviate the resultant sub-equatorial infernal fires of anguish, for now I feel a strange tightness, a pulling if you will, from my backside whenever I bend. I also can no longer locate my anus. There seems to be just a small, hard, slightly crenellated pip between my tailbone and testes from which nothing will issue except a piercing, high-pitched whistle. When I thump it gently with a fingernail, it makes a ringing sound similar to the sound of a silver coin dropped into a glass bowl.

As an emergency measure, I'm going to go eat a whole panful of mega-metamucil brownies, but I have to say: the prognosis does not look good {WARNING: horrible, horrible picture and article through this link; no one, not even Sicily -- who's as wrong, just wrong, a woman as you'll ever meet -- should click that link. Drop me from your friends list before it's too late}.

So, should I not return: Farewell, all! I have loved you all more than you could ... uhm ... than you could ... ow! ... I have ... oh, oh! ... uhm, I have to go to the bathroom! Sweet Jesus Aitch-Fucking Tap-Dancing ... Oh, holy shit!

*in Elvis voice

Uh...say there, Colonel. No more ah them fried bananer sanwhiches now, Ah thinkah just crapped my pants.

eeek
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
heatherann007:
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW!

When does your wife get back?... so your bowels can start functioning normally again...
Dec 15, 2004
beatrice:
yep, i totally didn't get that...
Dec 15, 2004

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