fatdavid8

There's been a lot of angry, post-election wrangling over why Kerry may have lost and over whether states should secede, over how stupid people are for voting Republican, and over how Democrats should have geared their message so that it would appeal to Republican voters. I think that the last is the real problem: if Democrats had packaged their message in such a way that Republicans could have seen that Democrats had their best interests at heart, Republicans could not have helped but voted Democratic.

For example, the Democrats could have run a TV spot like the following in the states along the Mississippi river and would certainly won them handily as a result:

{A bit of quietly patriotic music fades out as the screen fades in to a slightly overweight white guy standing in a cornfield and smiling affably. The guy nods to the camera and begins to speak earnestly to the viewers}

You know, they say that Republicans just don't care about the environment the way that Democrats do, and I can see why they'd say that. The Republicans under Bush have worked to weaken drinking water standards, while Democrats have argued that these standards should be strengthened.

Hi, folks, my name is FatDavid8. I'm just here to tell you that every time you drink tap water, you're drinking my poo, poo potentially laced with harmful microbial pathogens like FatD Coli. That's right: every time I flush the toilet, a heapin' helpin' of my poo juice, heavy with partially digested black beans and corn salsa from the burritos that I eat at least three times a week, flows from my toilet to a nearby river that runs down to the Mississippi and into your taps.

This November, tell the fat cats and silver spoons in Washington that you do care about the environment, that you want to halt the spread of FatD Coli, that you don't want your children to drink my poo. This November, vote Democrat.

{more nodding and smiling as the picture fades out and the patriotic music fades back in}


Honestly, how could that not persuade Republicans?