fat_tastic

A fart so ruthless as one "squeezed" from your bowels without your regard or willing participation has no pity, as does, strangely enough, the brutal silence that seems to materialize only seconds before the inappropriately loud and confrontational flatulent is ripped. After such an event, one usually scans quickly about the room with a look of uncertainty for any persons that may have been witness to their humility. In the most unfortunate cases, eye contact is made. To illustrate, lets imagine, oh, I don't know, a young, somewhat attractive man in his early twenties, at the check out counter of a large grocery store. Behind the counter stands a very lovely girl of the same age, and the two of them engage in a playful, flirtatious banter. The girl notices a large bag of Alpo lying heavily at the bottom of his cart and asks if he can lift it a bit so she can scan it. So the young man, who obviously works out regularly, flashed a conceited grin and sarcastically said "well I guess I could try". He then jokingly, like an old WWF wrestler, started swinging his elbows in circles and twisting about the torso to work out any "kinks" that might hinder him, as if he was about to lift a bus. To his pleasure, the girl was all smiles. With one last pump of the guns he bent down, wrapped his arms comfortably around the hefty bag of dog food and... stepped into a world of hell.
Perhaps one thing slightly worse than having to endure such an embarrassing moment would be to have the asshole standing in line behind you posting the story on the internet.

If you poop in a shoe box, you should probably label it as so to avoid any complications. If you poop in a shoe box regularly, you should probably assume complications are unavoidable.

I thought people didn't like me because of my boring and nihilistic personality. I thought people were so repulsed by my apathy and narcissism that being in the same room with me turned their stomachs. To get a clear idea of what exactly the problem was, I stopped the first person I saw on my way to work this morning and asked them of their initial impression of me. Here is what they had to say,"you just seem void of any substance, like a robot or something, completely humorless and utterly boring, but what bothers me most about you is your blatant disregard for the widely accepted convention of wearing a colostomy bag underneath your clothes". "I mean, it looks like your transporting a koala bear around your waist, and those Hello Kitty stickers aren't as charming as you think they are". "Wow!", I thought, "thats all?". I was so relieved, literally, my bag was overflowing...whatever...journals stink!


Well thats enough talk of turds and ass for today.
I think I'm gonna go take a crap, I mean nap.