Work sucks. Schools starting on monday, so add a <+3 days>school sucks</+3 days> here. With all the sucking of the work and the school and all that, things aren't going to be fun. And Not Fun means I'm an "adult", one of those worthless lifeless apathetic worker ants with short lifespans.
The stuff that's been depressing me for a while is still here, but at least I can get out of bed on my days off. I might not get out of bed until noon or one, but I get up, and that's progress. I really hope I'm just at some kind of plateau, and that in a couple weeks or month or whatever I'll have another major epiphany that jolts me back into being a real human being again, at least for a little while.
In the last couple weeks, I've really really really understood why the Buddhist view on hell is that it's right here, and that people create their own hells for themselves... not just in my own actions, but very much in others. Sometimes I feel like everybody around me is rushing me, and rushing everything, and when I actually get the clarity of thought to make myself slow down, everybody around me starts looking ridiculous and anxious and crazy. But me being ridiculous and anxious and crazy myself, it's hard to get my head to slow down.
I went bowling with two of my best friends from high school the other night. They used to be the best of friends, like came home from the hospital in the same week, lived down the street from each other their whole lives-type best friends. But now they both hate each other. It was kind of weird to see. With both of them being both arrogant and pissy, the only guy I got along with on bowling night was a guy who I never got along with in high school (which seems to be the case a lot lately)... he's probably the least full of shit out of the whole group. As for me, I just got drunk, bowled horribly, and did my best to embarass and annoy the two fighting jackasses. At least I thought it was funny.
I thought of something the other day: we're so used to seeing people with clothes on, it's actually uncomfortable for like 85% of the population to see a naked person. Think about that for a minute. Even though the average person sees themselves naked on (ideally) a daily basis, and the fact that we're all human beings and there's nothing on 99.99% of us that you haven't seen anywhere else... and yet it still makes people uncomfortable. The weird part is, the human body has been (fundamentally) the same for thousand upon thousands of years, and probably for much much longer than that... and yet we're more comfortable with clothing and fashion, which changes on almost a yearly basis sometimes, than we are with the unchanging human body of the last gazillion years. Clothing is an expression of our social world, expressions of our own thoughts through a socially-acceptable media. The clothes we wear are such a sign of the times, a veritable blueprint of modern social patterns and views on cultural vs. utilitarian ideals... but no one even sees it. It's another phenomenon taken for granted. As soon as that thought clicked in my head, I couldn't help but look at every piece of clothing I wore for the next two days with a weird sense of unfamiliarity, like what happens when you pick a weird, not-so-commonly-used word and say it over and over and over until it has no meaning.
That's more than I usually write, but I haven't written in a long time. There's a lot more to write about too, but A) It's late and I'm tired, and B) I have about 1.5 regular readers, and I don't want to bore the shit out of and lose that crowd.
The stuff that's been depressing me for a while is still here, but at least I can get out of bed on my days off. I might not get out of bed until noon or one, but I get up, and that's progress. I really hope I'm just at some kind of plateau, and that in a couple weeks or month or whatever I'll have another major epiphany that jolts me back into being a real human being again, at least for a little while.
In the last couple weeks, I've really really really understood why the Buddhist view on hell is that it's right here, and that people create their own hells for themselves... not just in my own actions, but very much in others. Sometimes I feel like everybody around me is rushing me, and rushing everything, and when I actually get the clarity of thought to make myself slow down, everybody around me starts looking ridiculous and anxious and crazy. But me being ridiculous and anxious and crazy myself, it's hard to get my head to slow down.
I went bowling with two of my best friends from high school the other night. They used to be the best of friends, like came home from the hospital in the same week, lived down the street from each other their whole lives-type best friends. But now they both hate each other. It was kind of weird to see. With both of them being both arrogant and pissy, the only guy I got along with on bowling night was a guy who I never got along with in high school (which seems to be the case a lot lately)... he's probably the least full of shit out of the whole group. As for me, I just got drunk, bowled horribly, and did my best to embarass and annoy the two fighting jackasses. At least I thought it was funny.
I thought of something the other day: we're so used to seeing people with clothes on, it's actually uncomfortable for like 85% of the population to see a naked person. Think about that for a minute. Even though the average person sees themselves naked on (ideally) a daily basis, and the fact that we're all human beings and there's nothing on 99.99% of us that you haven't seen anywhere else... and yet it still makes people uncomfortable. The weird part is, the human body has been (fundamentally) the same for thousand upon thousands of years, and probably for much much longer than that... and yet we're more comfortable with clothing and fashion, which changes on almost a yearly basis sometimes, than we are with the unchanging human body of the last gazillion years. Clothing is an expression of our social world, expressions of our own thoughts through a socially-acceptable media. The clothes we wear are such a sign of the times, a veritable blueprint of modern social patterns and views on cultural vs. utilitarian ideals... but no one even sees it. It's another phenomenon taken for granted. As soon as that thought clicked in my head, I couldn't help but look at every piece of clothing I wore for the next two days with a weird sense of unfamiliarity, like what happens when you pick a weird, not-so-commonly-used word and say it over and over and over until it has no meaning.
That's more than I usually write, but I haven't written in a long time. There's a lot more to write about too, but A) It's late and I'm tired, and B) I have about 1.5 regular readers, and I don't want to bore the shit out of and lose that crowd.