fallen1carus

i saw rich at the tattoo convention and i told him that i needed new ink. there's projects i've been considering for quite some time, but i don't have the money. he asked me if i needed new ink, or if i needed the pain. i wondered if my answer would change how he felt about tattooing me.

i got into conversations last night with few people, about some pretty heavy life issues... anne and i have an ongoing conversation about whether or not we are completely insane. in the past few weeks, i have decided that everyone is completely insane. regardless of whether or not this is "true", i've found it an extremely helpful way to understand the world and the people around me. to acknowledge that each person ives in their own version of reality, and to not only get to know their personality, but also their reality, and inadvertently my own. anne asked me if i thought she was crazy, and i said yes, but that if she really wanted to know, she should ask someone who wasn't.

and now she's in the room saying "if you spent even half as much time as you do on suicidegirls trying to meet chicks, you'd be getting pussy every night."

the other conversations i had were about happiness. asking yourself and genuinely considering "do you enjoy living?" it's easy for me now, to answer "yes!" i love my life. but it wasn't always this way. it's only within the past year and a half or so that i've learned how to appreciate everything i have. i live pretty modestly, and i've found people i love ridiculously, and things i love to do. and i realized that these things didn't have to be major. i can relish watching star trek, or having an awesome meal, or laugh my ass off at something that doesn't make any sense at all.

and maybe it's because every day i wonder if i might die today. i've said this before, but i really can't emphasize it enough... i know i'm mortal, i know i'll die. and for almost everyone, you can't choose when that will be, and it might be today. will i have wanted to waste my life wallowing?

for sure there's tons of things about this world that make me so fucking angry that sometimes i can't contain myself. but why would i focus on only those things? i do what i can to change them, and appreciate what i do have, because i never know when it might be gone. i'm interested in changing the world, but i have to be realistic about what i can really do, and not become overly frustrated. i feel like just being good to myself, and to other people, might catch on in itself. and if everyone was focused on having a good time without screwing everyone else over, this world would be a better place.

so you see, just by having a good time, i'm like mother teresa. ya know?



p.s.- there's still people i want to stab every day.

p.p.s. - go look at the pics and videos from the sg halloween party at my house in the sgmidwest group!