my mom came to town this morning to go to the farmer's market with me. i begged her to take my lily with her. it's sickly, it's dying. every time i water it i have to cut like half of the leaves off. my parents' house is like a jungle, and i'm sure it would be fine there. but she didn't want it. she said it was probably beyond recovery anyway. so what?! you condemn it to die?! it's like a child! i'm obviously an unsuitable mother. how frustrating.
i had a long talk with my roommate, anne, tonight. we do this all the time. after bitching for several minutes about how people at fast food restaurants can't center anything on the goddamned bun... well, it went like this:
(watching commercial for lipton noodles)
fallenicarus rant begins here: "i bet that shit doesn't really look like that. hot steaming platter of fresh noodles on nice porcelain with vegetables on the side. it's fucking noodles in a bag. it's like mcdonald's. they have some luscious burger dripping with perfectly placed cheese and onions symmetrical over the sides and the tomato is centered when what that shit really is, is a pound of shitcrapmeat off to the side of the bun with a tiny tomato hangin' off the other side and fuck if they even remember to put the onions on. you'd think if that's all you did all damn day, you could get the fucking burger centered on the bun. shit. you'd think that, just by coincidence, it would have to end up centered every once in a while. but NO. as soon as you get it, you have to open the damn thing up and slide the shit over so it's not falling out all over the place."
and then it occurs to me that i haven't even eaten at mcdonald's in probably a year, and why the fuck does it piss me off so much anyway? why would you even want to eat that? and then i realize i'm just spewing over with rage about anything that happens to come to mind. lipton noodles or mcdonald's just happens to be the excuse of the moment. so why the fuck am i so pissed off?! do i just need to get laid? am i seriously disturbed? what the fuck? is everyone so mad?
and then i notice the cuts on anne's arm... they're from running around in the woods all day. suddenly we're joking about self mutilation and how she's gonna be cryptic about it tomorrow and pull her sleeves down real suddenly just to make people off guard. but there was a time when this wasn't so funny... it's strange that you can know someone for so long, and there's still things you don't know about them. we talked about covering the cuts in high school... apparently i hid them better than i even knew, because she was my best friend, and tonight was the first she knew of me doing this. i remember a friend of mine that i grew to despise, because she would cut herself in school, in choir, so that people would see and pity her. i was fucking ashamed of what i was doing, and it made it so cheap that she was showing it off... i loathed her for it. i felt like she had no fucking clue.
then suddenly anne asked me why i stopped singing. i told her i still did, and i didn't know what she was talking about. but she's right, i have... i used to sing all the time. and with my mom too. there was a time in high school where anne and i would take acid, almost every weekend. i wouldn't sleep all night and i'd feel like i was being transformed. i still believe that i was... i certainly wouldn't be the same person i am today without that experience. good or bad seems irrelevant. i was just changed.
and sometime i'll go off about that, and how there seems to be something at the heart of everything that is neither good nor bad, but just exists. but coming around...
i wouldn't sleep all night. and then in the morning i would come with my mom to voice lesson, with giant pupils, and my head ready to live my life anew. and i would SING my heart out. there was nothing more awesome than being in that moment and bursting out to an unsuspecting mother, all of the things that were in my soul. i was angry or i was sad, or i felt like the world was a beautiful place... i could scream it out or let it flow out. god, it was finally OUT. i didn't have to hold back anymore... and i could say everything that i was feeling, without ever actually saying it.
i feel like a madwoman all the time.
i had a long talk with my roommate, anne, tonight. we do this all the time. after bitching for several minutes about how people at fast food restaurants can't center anything on the goddamned bun... well, it went like this:
(watching commercial for lipton noodles)
fallenicarus rant begins here: "i bet that shit doesn't really look like that. hot steaming platter of fresh noodles on nice porcelain with vegetables on the side. it's fucking noodles in a bag. it's like mcdonald's. they have some luscious burger dripping with perfectly placed cheese and onions symmetrical over the sides and the tomato is centered when what that shit really is, is a pound of shitcrapmeat off to the side of the bun with a tiny tomato hangin' off the other side and fuck if they even remember to put the onions on. you'd think if that's all you did all damn day, you could get the fucking burger centered on the bun. shit. you'd think that, just by coincidence, it would have to end up centered every once in a while. but NO. as soon as you get it, you have to open the damn thing up and slide the shit over so it's not falling out all over the place."
and then it occurs to me that i haven't even eaten at mcdonald's in probably a year, and why the fuck does it piss me off so much anyway? why would you even want to eat that? and then i realize i'm just spewing over with rage about anything that happens to come to mind. lipton noodles or mcdonald's just happens to be the excuse of the moment. so why the fuck am i so pissed off?! do i just need to get laid? am i seriously disturbed? what the fuck? is everyone so mad?
and then i notice the cuts on anne's arm... they're from running around in the woods all day. suddenly we're joking about self mutilation and how she's gonna be cryptic about it tomorrow and pull her sleeves down real suddenly just to make people off guard. but there was a time when this wasn't so funny... it's strange that you can know someone for so long, and there's still things you don't know about them. we talked about covering the cuts in high school... apparently i hid them better than i even knew, because she was my best friend, and tonight was the first she knew of me doing this. i remember a friend of mine that i grew to despise, because she would cut herself in school, in choir, so that people would see and pity her. i was fucking ashamed of what i was doing, and it made it so cheap that she was showing it off... i loathed her for it. i felt like she had no fucking clue.
then suddenly anne asked me why i stopped singing. i told her i still did, and i didn't know what she was talking about. but she's right, i have... i used to sing all the time. and with my mom too. there was a time in high school where anne and i would take acid, almost every weekend. i wouldn't sleep all night and i'd feel like i was being transformed. i still believe that i was... i certainly wouldn't be the same person i am today without that experience. good or bad seems irrelevant. i was just changed.
and sometime i'll go off about that, and how there seems to be something at the heart of everything that is neither good nor bad, but just exists. but coming around...
i wouldn't sleep all night. and then in the morning i would come with my mom to voice lesson, with giant pupils, and my head ready to live my life anew. and i would SING my heart out. there was nothing more awesome than being in that moment and bursting out to an unsuspecting mother, all of the things that were in my soul. i was angry or i was sad, or i felt like the world was a beautiful place... i could scream it out or let it flow out. god, it was finally OUT. i didn't have to hold back anymore... and i could say everything that i was feeling, without ever actually saying it.
i feel like a madwoman all the time.
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
Hey, email me about your party!
evilannie@earthlink.net
I wil agree with your comments on 'advertisement' pictures versus the real thing. And yes, though it sounds somewhat bitchy to complain about it, I've often times been drawn to a food for the picture on the 'advertisement', only to be disappointed in the result. But, from what I understand anyway, they use a lot of camera tricks to get the food looking as good as it does-including glazes and sprays that a human being could/should not consume.