fairygrlz

In the past few weeks I have made some major changes. I finally told the person who is like a second mother to me about my relationship with my ex girlfriend and how I was still in love with her. She was so very sympathetic and empathetic. She did not judge me one single bit and that gave me the greatest strength that I have ever known. I made a decision then that I was ready to decide one way or another if I was gay and wanted to be with a woman forever. I felt that it would be an honest decision and not one that was in any way influenced by what others around me thought or felt about it. I have never been able to make purely honest decisions before in my life. They were always based on what my parents would think or feel. I am coming to a place of my own identity where I must explore my options no matter what. I found through counseling that I was never allowed as a child to explore without feeling like I was a bad little girl. I was never allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. I need to explore and make those mistakes and learn from them now. I finally was able to figure out that I am not gay and that is a decision that I made without any input. I went on a date with a couple of girls and it was completely un-natural for me. It was very odd and awkward. I think that I loved my ex girlfriend because of who she was and not because of her gender. What a liberating feeling I have making a decision like that. I don't have to be confused any more and can move on with a plan for my future. It is funny how little steps can turn into major doors being opened. I never thought I would be where I am at emotionally and mentally. I feel more healthy than I have in a very long time. It is a process. I have learned to take things one at a time and not to force myself to do things I am not ready to do. Thank you for all the love and support you show me here. I truly appreciate being able to share my life with you and hope that it helps in some small way.

Fairygrlz