faeye

letting go..................I've been trying to understand this concept for so long. he said 'if you love me you have to let me go, let me find my own way back to you.' i didn't believe him at first. what a crazy idea. i wanted to stay up and discuss this further but my body had other plans for me. i sunk into oblivion, little punk girl in hippie clothes, dreaming in a heap on the edge of the bed.

he had asked me questions about chris while we showered and those painful memories stayed with me while i slept. i dreamt of him, again. i haven't had those dreams in months. but last night he crept back into my life, such a tricky boy.

he didn't come to hurt, or haunt me though.....he came to forgive and show me the way to be happy again. i never thought the one who broke me would be the one to glue the mess back together again.

i'm quite aware of how destructive i can be. chris always told me i was controlled chaos. only i had too much of one and not enough of the other. i know he's right. i know i loved him. i know he loved me. he told me he always would and that he wanted me to be happy. to do this though i need to change the way i hold on to people. he said i had chocked the life out of him and if i continued to treat M like this i would end up destroying him too.

i don't want to hurt him. i want him to be in my life for a very long time. chris showed me the parallels our relationsips are running on and i now understand what i have to do to fix this. i'm not scared any more. whatever will happen will happen. i can't control destiny or fate. (i'm a bit of a control freak) i'm not going to try to control the outcome of this any more. i'm just going to enjoy and cherish the boy i love while he's here. if he chooses to leave one day i'll still have so many beautiful memories that none of this time will have been spent in vain.