faeryrae

i am not doing the best and i am trying to get out of the "i want to die" mode. I start school monday and i am nervous. i keep getting all these bad thoughts about it dancing in my head. "what if i suck at web design and graphics?" "what if everything i write for my creative writing class everyone thinks sucks and the only talent i have isnt really one?" thanks for all your kind words. i still feel down. my brother is doing awesome. we got a call from him and he is done with the cruicibal and now getting the for graduation in four weeks. i wasnt home when he called i was at work and cried that i didnt get to talk to him. today i went to the mall with my cousins becky and cullan and twin aunts holly and heather. i wanted to just go with becky since she has been begging for a girls' day trip to the mall. she is six by the way. so my aunt holly who is becky's mum invited herself along and then invited mu aunt heather and cousin cullan along. so i had to take cullan who is 8 along with me and becky while my aunts could shop childless. i again get stuck being the baby sitter. i hate it so much. i didnt get to look at anything at all. and the chicks at hot topic kept giving me dirty looks muttering about how i was a slut to have kids that old as my children. i wanted to scream "they arent my fucking kids, you fucking dumb asses." but i dont swear around my cousins. so i feel like never going to that hot topic again. and i love that store. then when i was over at my cousin becky's for WWE summerslam wrestling i was the baby sitter again watching the kids making sure they had enough snacks and were sitting quietly so the audlts could watch the pay per view. i wanted to fucking scream! all i am is a baby sitter and waste of space. i just am happy my cousins love me. and enjoy being with me. that is one thing keeping me here on this earth. i am so fucking. i just work or sit at home alone. I have no one to really talk to and i just dont understand why i have to be in such pain. ah well just me another loser complaining to no one......