Why is it so fucking hard to get what you want? I've been bitching about my marriage for a while now, and this is gonna be another one of THOSE posts. Angry rants ahead, beware.
I see him more as a room mate now. I can't help it. When we have sex, it's nothing that I'm into. I just can't do the whole "lay there and be shoved into" thing. I feel nothing for it. It bores the fuck out of me, and I just can't come from it.
I've read books about how to get a vanilla partner into something more heavy, but nothing that those books say work. He calls me a freak for wanting what I want, and even though for the past THREE YEARS i've done it the way he wants it, he simply will not do it the way I NEED it to be done. He thinks he's kinky because we've done it ONCE with fucking handcuffs. WTF, why the fuck would just handcuffs get me off?
I've been trying to find the only person who has ever really been able to understand my sexuality, and I'm honestly not sure why. I just miss talking to someone who knows what I'm talking about. This man used to own me, and I mean that in every sense of the word. I miss that too. I miss feeling owned by someone. Jordan just makes me feel... unwanted, ugly, like a bad person. He hates everything about me but somehow keeps on saying that he loves me. I call bullshit on that. I call bullshit on him. He doesn't love me because he doesn't know me. He knows what he wants to know, but that isn't me. And this isn't me keeping something from him, this is him ignoring what he doesn't like. All that that leaves, however, is an empty shell of a woman. I've tried to be that, but it isn't me, and I can't do it.
I've tried to make this work, for so long, but I'm getting so exhausted. It should not be this hard. I shouldn't have to escape my life by getting stoned out of my mind and sitting in front of a computer screen all night long. I just want to be happy, furthermore, I'd like to be happy with HIM, but I just can't be. The more and more I look at the situation, the more and more I see that it's completely futile efforts. No matter how much I want it, he will never like what he doesn't like, and I can never like what I don't like. I think the only difference between us is that he expects me to just take it the way he wants to give it - no matter how little it does for me, and I don't want to force what I need on him.
I see no solution to these problems. I don't know what to do.
I see him more as a room mate now. I can't help it. When we have sex, it's nothing that I'm into. I just can't do the whole "lay there and be shoved into" thing. I feel nothing for it. It bores the fuck out of me, and I just can't come from it.
I've read books about how to get a vanilla partner into something more heavy, but nothing that those books say work. He calls me a freak for wanting what I want, and even though for the past THREE YEARS i've done it the way he wants it, he simply will not do it the way I NEED it to be done. He thinks he's kinky because we've done it ONCE with fucking handcuffs. WTF, why the fuck would just handcuffs get me off?
I've been trying to find the only person who has ever really been able to understand my sexuality, and I'm honestly not sure why. I just miss talking to someone who knows what I'm talking about. This man used to own me, and I mean that in every sense of the word. I miss that too. I miss feeling owned by someone. Jordan just makes me feel... unwanted, ugly, like a bad person. He hates everything about me but somehow keeps on saying that he loves me. I call bullshit on that. I call bullshit on him. He doesn't love me because he doesn't know me. He knows what he wants to know, but that isn't me. And this isn't me keeping something from him, this is him ignoring what he doesn't like. All that that leaves, however, is an empty shell of a woman. I've tried to be that, but it isn't me, and I can't do it.
I've tried to make this work, for so long, but I'm getting so exhausted. It should not be this hard. I shouldn't have to escape my life by getting stoned out of my mind and sitting in front of a computer screen all night long. I just want to be happy, furthermore, I'd like to be happy with HIM, but I just can't be. The more and more I look at the situation, the more and more I see that it's completely futile efforts. No matter how much I want it, he will never like what he doesn't like, and I can never like what I don't like. I think the only difference between us is that he expects me to just take it the way he wants to give it - no matter how little it does for me, and I don't want to force what I need on him.
I see no solution to these problems. I don't know what to do.
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jennrose:
mortius:
Much love sweetheart *hugs and spanks*