faefae

Tonight is a bad night. I'm feeling incredibly nostalgic and I can't seem to just get over it like I usually do. I miss the days of high school, I miss all my friends. I feel so freaking alone up here. It kinda hit me on Thanksgiving, when we went to Jordan's family's Thanksgiving thing. He and his cousins were all joking around, having a good time, and I just felt so out of place. Mind you, they weren't leaving me out of the jokes and stuff, but I could just tell that they wouldn't have really cared if I were there or not. They were interested in seeing their cousin, the guy who used to babysit for them and cares for them a great deal. I remember joking around with my friends back home the way they were joking around. I can't help but to miss that, a lot. Everyone's changed now, though, including myself, and even if I could get in touch with all my old friends, it wouldn't be the same.

Tonight is bad because, well, I realize how I don't really have my own little place out in the world. My own spot that's mine, and nobody can say otherwise. I don't have a group of friends who are just my friends, nothing more, nothing less, simply friends who I care about and who care back. I'm sick of all these people who pretend to be my friend simply because they want something from me, or because I'm just the person that's there and who is willing to listen to them, because I'm hoping so much that I'll find someone who I can have that connection with. I find myself retreating to my online life, because there, I do have friends. These people can't ask of me, because they don't really know me. They don't expect anything from me, except for me to be there, and maybe spin some wit now and again. And while I love the friends I have online, it's not the same thing. I remember going to the club with my group back home. We'd go almost every weekend. Those were some of the best times of my life. Dancing and joking, the gossip that wasn't really even gossip because there were no secrets between us all. Helping a girlfriend because she was down on her luck, or lending a shoulder (literally!) when someone's heart was broken. All of us daydreaming about the future, creating a future where everything was perfect, and we'd all own a shop together doing what we all do best. Eating Japanese and giggling over the latest hentai that one of us had found. I even miss the fights and drama that would break out when one of us was pms'ing or going through some tough shit and took it out on each other - but even that wouldn't last long because in the end, we all loved each other.

But that was almost 3 years ago. And I haven't seen them since then. I'm scared that that was my place in the world, and now it's gone, forever.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this here. I honestly don't have any friends here anymore either. I keep clinging to the hope of a friendship that I once had, but she has a life of her own now, and I'm not in it. And that's ok. It's equally ok for me to miss it. I'll stop bothering her now, though. I'm sure she doesn't need it.

Hell, this has just been a bad year.