eyesoopenned

the last couple of days since the last installment of my life have all blurred together...

my dad has been hiding the fact that he's been going to the doctors for the last 2 weeks...they have been running test after test on him....they want to perform open heart surgery on him now....just another health problem to add to the list...

you know i often wonder if it would just be best if he fell asleep one night and just didnt wake up....it sounds so cold...so uncaring....but its been on my mind lately....the constant pain would vanish....he would finally get the rest he deserves....but then i start to feel selfish....selfish because it would be so much easier for me to not have to see him suffering everyday....

grant it loosing my dad right now would devastate me...but i would rather know that he isnt in pain anymore than witnessing that he can barely manage to sit up without cringing....i dont understand why.... i would never wish this upon anyone else....not the pain he goes through or the pain i get seeing him go throught it....

i cant wirte anymore....i can barely see the screen...its hard to see through tears.....