eyerush

I received a call from my mom telling me that my father's cousin's husband was taking himself off dialysis. He has been sick with kidney failure for awhile now and was into his eighties but was like a grandfather to me. One if the closest things I have had to a grandfather since my last one died in 81. He was the kind of guy that asked how you were and actually listened. He made a helluva Old Fashioned. He talked football with a love for a team that finally might be getting better after 5 years of crap. He was an adult that treated me like a friend. And, he passed away this morning. And what's worse is that I contemplated going to see him yesterday and didn't.

I have a regret I feel I need to get off of my back. It has been weighing on me for awhile. I walked in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer this year and I was supposed to meet my family at the finish line. When I got there, they weren't there and I was a little pissed. I had just walked 39 miles in 2 days and was beyond tired. I was supposed to have a guinness with my dad and I found out that my parents were still at lunch with My dad's cousin and her husband in Berkeley. So, tired and cranky, I took a cab to BART and went to my favorite bar to pout and stew and basically be a jerk. I chewed out my parents over the phone who panicked on me and sent my Uncle to pick me up. I come to find out that the man who I loved and thought of as a grandfather had an "accident " at brunch of the worst kind and my parents were driving his wife to their house to get a change of clothes while he sat with my uncle apologizing to the staff at the hotel and feeling the shame no one should have to live through. This was a man who worked for Lockheed and was always respected by friends and co-workers, reduced to an apologizing child and I was worried about not getting a rife. I officially knew what it was like to feel like a heel that day.And I tear up now thinking about the shame he must've felt and the greed and stupidity I had shown at his expense. He is gone now. And I will miss him. But I will remember him fondly and am happy I knew him.