eyehatetherain

this is not something i ever talk about. i dont know that i've spoken about it in at least a year. so i really appreciate an open ear, or eye. thank you


not the greatest of nights. being stuck at home gives me too much time to think. all this crap coming up in my head from the past. i havent really had any healthy relationships in my life. definitely not my family. had/have a bad home life. but i'm past that. as much as i can be. my friends are great.though sometimes not there they way i need them to be. i've never really had someone there just to take pressure off of me. to care solely about what happens to me or just be there. as far as romantic relationships go i've never truly had anyone who cared enough to really want me. i had a relationship, thats the best word i can come up with to explain it. he was my first anything. we had this twisted relationship on and off for 2 years. it took a toll on me. we are still good friends but he never felt the way i did. not as much as was needed. i've always been very independent. and i'm not sure how. but i am probably one of the most patient people you will ever meet. i always wait but it seems like nothing ever happens. it leave obvious insecurities. every once in a while it gets to me. the word need is never something i want to use. but i do need someone to care enough. i need someone to just want to help me. to get away from this. to care that much about everything going on with me. someone to be there for me. i need more then a friend. i always have alot of good friends.but its just not enough for me. it leaves a heavy feeling in my heart. i had one real hope 3 years ago when something started with him. but he was confused. i dont blame him at all. it just wasnt going to happen. i tried to fool myself. but in the end the result is that we are friends and he found a relationship he is very happy with, right after things ended with us. we would have our breaks when we were together. he would always find someone. i somehow always end up alone. no real affection shown to me. i probably wont talk about this again. this is so rare that i'm posting this now. i keep things inside because i dont have a way that i really can get this out. just tonight i felt like i needed to. and not to anyone that is normaly in my life. they always have outside opinions. thank you if you have read through all of this. its nice of you to listen to this. the truth of it all is i like to lie to myself. i like to say i'm alright. but its every so often i am honest. the truth is i'm alone. i had my heart broken and i dont know how exactly to mend it. i pretend its ok. i fool myself most of the time. ever time i think maybe. there might just be some home. its doused. i really wonder if i can do this anymore. but then again. i dont have any other options. what are my choices? i have no choice but to do this. because there is no way out of it that i can control. i'm sorry this is so long. i need to stop
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"maybe i'm the champion of being alone "