exploded

i came to a realization earlier this morning. i am an adult. i am less than a year away from my real life. i am not ready for it. im not doing anything to get ready for it. i am wasting my life doing nothing. i am going to survive, but not thrive, if i continue to do what i do now. i want to go away, where no one knows me, where i can start fresh. where people dont hate me. where people dont have preconcieved low opinions of me. where i can work in peace. where people can respect me. i dont have any of that here. i hate it. i work so fucking hard in the studio, and no one knows it. its so fucking frustrating, i am beating on a brick wall, trying to get to the other side. but there is no other side. i might as well just go away.

i need to prepare for the rest of my life, because it hasnt fucking started yet. right now, this bullshit about "live for the moment" makes absolutely no sense to me. i cant live for the moment when i have the weight of the next 60 years and my future family to prepare for. and im failing miserably. i always am failing miserably. not that it fucking matters, i will just work at some shit job, and live paycheck to paycheck, then die alone anyway. thats the american way, right? fuck, i havent even started my life, and im already $30,000 in debt.

i need to be a better human. i need to be a better everything. if you dont stand out, you become invisible. i am living camouflage. i need to BE an adult.