exploded

I talked about a friend of mine that had cancer a while back, and had to drop out of school. I see her every once in a while, when she comes back to visit. She just wrote this in her livejournal. It's incredibly sad. I hope that everything turns out okay with her.....I really do, she's a super cool person....

"And now I am home. Tomorrow is the beginning of a 5-day inpatient chemo.
I'm just about done dealing with this shit. It's getting really hard to take anymore. Anytime I think about just walking in to the hospital tears come to my eyes. It's horrible going in there and making yourself so sick and losing weeks of your life at a time. While in Alaska I was telling my uncle how I simply can't stand having things in my body that aren't meant to be there. No alcohol, no drugs, not even the drugs that take away the pain. I simply can't stand having things in me. So when I have to willingly go into this place and have poisons put in to me by my own consent, it kills me in more ways than one.

At this point we have no schedule for anything past February. I'm trying to make plans to go places, but I can't. I don't know if I'll be receiving chemotherapy or radiation at the time I want to go to New Orleans or Los Angeles with Grace or Berlin with Amanda. You may have caught on by now that there are few things I love more than traveling, but it becomes exrtemely difficult to plan that sort of thing when the only days you know you have free in the next year are tomorrow and the day after.

I talked to my mom last night about my cancer. And how I feel that chemo is beginning to not work. I don't know how I know this, but I do. My body has never been wrong before. The first time around, before I went to any doctors I knew the lump was cancer, then I knew it was gone, the second time around I knew my pains were cancer after a few days, and I knew they were wrong about it being pancreantitis. And now I simply feel that chemo isn't working so much anymore. Perhaps it's the fact that my hair is still growing or that I can see the chemo growing out in my nails (you can see the chemo grow out in lines on fingernails). I don't know, it just doesn't feel right anymore. It feels as though I'm going through all this pain in vain.

but then you woke up
and I noticed the empty space
but didn't say a word
and so you're gone"