exning

I couldn't sleep after a night of drinking. I wasn't drunk, but somehow I felt like I was 13 all over again. My head began to shake uncontrollably from side to side and everytime I went out for a smoke, it began to get brighter and brighter as the morning progressed. I blacked out and somehow the kitchen became a warzone, chairs flying and me on the floor, listening to my boyfriend snoring in the bedroom. He can sleep through anything, I didn't need his help though, I needed to get back to reality on my phone.

I called every depression hotline i saw on the first page of google. Not one of them answered, until the last one i called did. We talked but he quickly realized I wasn't suicidal. We just began to talk, well cry talk for me, but that's the same thing. The moment I started to get into some real deep personal shit about my past-my phone died. I was charging it the whole time, but it just so happened it wasn't plugged in. I laughed. Go figure. Between this time I got my sharpest tweezers I normally pick pimples or tweeze splinters out of because they are so tiny at the tip. I scratched and clawed at something that wasn't visible in my brain, but at the time it happened to be my arms and legs. Unfortunately, I'm not 13 anymore and I happened to gain a higher pain tolerance since then.



They weren't deep, in my opinion. I wasn't trying to make them deep. I wasn't trying to have them show off for sympathy later or try to kill myself. I haven't wanted to kill myself in years, I'm just too lazy for that. When your a little teenage girl you have no responsibilities to live. For me, the only thing that kept me alive then was drugs and my mom, those were the only reasons to live. Now I have plenty more reasons, so that's not any answer anymore.

Anyway, I don't know why or can't remember what even happened or what I was thinking. I just remember finally laying in bed at 8 in the morning feeling like shit because I had to tell my boyfriend. How do you explain something so odd like that? He was good with me, I recovered from my depression in a few days, sleeping for most of the time and buying that rabbit. I wasn't depressed, but mostly tired. Exhausted. From what? I have no fucking clue, I have no stress in my life. Sometimes you just have to crack and let your brain go crazy for a couple days. Maybe?