exning

I wake up to the shrillest drill known to mankind. Of course, on this particular day they are tearing the house down for the millionth time.
For a split second I forgot about everything that happened, and I felt normal. But, once I opened my eyes I realized who I was and who I wasn't with.
Theres this continuous shaking you get when you get a panic attack, only this has been since he left. This feeling where you can't swallow, and althought you have eaten, feel like your need to purge something out of your system. There's no point in crying because you have no tears left, and it feels kind of like your body wants to so badly.

Nothings my fault, I never thought it was. But everytime I try to clear my mind, an image of you and her discussing your deep felt emotions (and all this time! You felt it, you knew it was there, its meant to be!) appears, and back to the toilet I go. To imagine you happy makes me disgusted, because I sit here miserable, out of my mind, wondering how the hell do I start my life again. In a time of my life where I needed support the most, the easiest accessed person leaves. He was my best friend, he was, sickly to say, almost a father figure, someone to look up to and bounce back ideas. I'm never too optimistic about relationships, but I was honestly done and ready for you to move in and live this crazy life with me.
But, now you will be with her. Listening to shitty indie music, drinking cheap beer, laughing with all your old friends to talk about things you probably won't even listen to. She dated your best friend and left you with a broken heart. She's insecure, she's PASSIVE. I can go on to talk about her, because you already know how I feel about you. But you knew I never liked her, so I can save it for all the other people that think this is the stupidest move you could possibly make.

As I normally would be the happiest girl in the world right now because my mothers coming, I can't get these things out of my mind. I'm sure my mother understands how I feel, as I'm sure everyone of you reading here has had a really bad breakup one time or another. Most of my relationships ending are pretty bad, and they usually end up with fucked up situations I'm not in control of, but I need you to understand that he was not like that to me. I never had him in a bad light, he was perfect to me (and perfect, for me).
My mother was suppose to be here in a week, but considering my state, I can't be alone. Not only do I not care about school, I have no friends, and I have no boyfriend to make me happy. This is an ultimate low, so she will be here.
I planned on Mitch and I possibly driving her to Santa Cruz, hanging out on the beach, going out to dinner, celebrating the 7 months we loved each other with my mom. Lots of malls, food, etc. But, considering we don't have a car to do any of that, I can't even try to enjoy some time with my mom without Mitch.

I don't know how long it's going to take to get over him, but it breaks my heart to imagine having to forget about him. It's the only way, to keep that person out completely from your thoughts until you are able to come back to it again without crying. I can't do this, I really cant.