I sit here after just coming back from a shitty movie, "Rock of Ages". It seems that watching movies is what I am doing mostly this summer. I worry about this. I am unmotivated lately. There are lists of things I want to do and accomplish this summer, but day in and day out I push them aside and spend my day playing video games, watching movies, and not stimulating my mind.
I can feel my mind screaming for attention. "Pick up a book!", it screams. But, I ignore it and pollute it. It wants ideas, but instead I feed it with mindless routine, things that comfort me, that I'm used to and that isolates me. Being alone is what I am used to. Away from the harsh world that stares, oppressively smiles and judges. As you can tell, my mood is morose.
I suppose it's not all bad. I have been invited to sit on a panel for a feminism conference on education and ablism. I am also on the hunt for an apartment, that I hope to be moved into by the end of summer. I need to be doing more work and research on my thesis. I also need to do more prep for my GRE. It feels like there is so much on my plate that I am bound to fail at something.
I suppose that is it. I am unmotivated because I feel afraid to fail. I am afraid to fail, because I am intensely critical of myself when I do. I suppose the solution is to promise myself to be kind to myself if I am met with failure. This way, if I do fail, I will be met with a voice of kindness rather than hatred. I guess I will start tomorrow. I will do my physio, wake early, get some cleaning done, and work. I have an academic journal article to prepare, and I hope to dedicate my days to myself, my mind, and other people rather than wasting my days away in my room with nothing to show for it and nothing to be proud of. Tomorrow. Isn't that what we tell ourselves? Tomorrow I will do it. Tomorrow is another day.
I can feel my mind screaming for attention. "Pick up a book!", it screams. But, I ignore it and pollute it. It wants ideas, but instead I feed it with mindless routine, things that comfort me, that I'm used to and that isolates me. Being alone is what I am used to. Away from the harsh world that stares, oppressively smiles and judges. As you can tell, my mood is morose.
I suppose it's not all bad. I have been invited to sit on a panel for a feminism conference on education and ablism. I am also on the hunt for an apartment, that I hope to be moved into by the end of summer. I need to be doing more work and research on my thesis. I also need to do more prep for my GRE. It feels like there is so much on my plate that I am bound to fail at something.
I suppose that is it. I am unmotivated because I feel afraid to fail. I am afraid to fail, because I am intensely critical of myself when I do. I suppose the solution is to promise myself to be kind to myself if I am met with failure. This way, if I do fail, I will be met with a voice of kindness rather than hatred. I guess I will start tomorrow. I will do my physio, wake early, get some cleaning done, and work. I have an academic journal article to prepare, and I hope to dedicate my days to myself, my mind, and other people rather than wasting my days away in my room with nothing to show for it and nothing to be proud of. Tomorrow. Isn't that what we tell ourselves? Tomorrow I will do it. Tomorrow is another day.
movies somehow always have felt like therapy to me but they are indeed isolating or thats how i feel as well and it makes me feel good, maybe the dark room with the screen or who knows.
i need to figure out my schedule in order to survive my summer as well