existentialblues

yup, goin tuesday to set up an appointment to take my asvab. i have to take it again because its only current for two years and the last time i took it was in school. i get a little upset thinkin about that sometimes, because i was on track for the NROTC which would have enabled me to get two years of school under my belt before i went in and i would have started off in a much better position. but things dont always work out you know?
i still consider myself lucky though, because a lot of times people get lost on the roads to their dreams, and never find their way back again, but i made it. it was rough and for a long time i didnt think i would make it. hell considering what life was like for me when i was younger, im just glad to be alive and well fed right now. maybe somedays ill write down my life, and maybe no one will read it or maybe someone will.
i wouldnt call it oliver twist, but its certainly a shade above see spot run. actually, one of the books i always loved growing up and still read every year or so to this day, is MANIAC MAGEE. thats me.
i dont know. i guess i really am happy, sometimes when i think about it, or rather when i dont think about anything, i feel empty. like a wind blowing inside me ready to rend, but lacking a target. it hit me a little today though. an old friend got in touch, well, an old girlfriend really, but friend first. we were together for three years, and i would have married her in a minute, still would now probably if i even knew who she is now. we had a long, good run. but things interfered, and we had to make a choice. it wasnt quite "change or die, choose now!" but thats how it felt. and even though we chose change, for the longest time i felt inside like i had chose death.
somewhere along the years though, i stopped thinking about the pain, it was only another moan in the tornado of my quiet soul...but it was there like any wind ever was, waiting to seperate tree from earth.
but maybe that was always the problem. maybe i always saw it as a wind that destroys. the winds of change blow hard through the valley of despair. but maybe i should have brought out my old batman kite and said screw it man, lets have some fun!
so im gonna try. she wrote me, and asked me to call as soon as i can. so ill bring out the kite. and ill let out the string. and when i run out of string, ill let it go, and ill lay down on the soft warm grass and watch it disappear into the clouds.