evy

Went out to dinner at CPK with Steve last night. It was good, per usual. Then to Station. That was pretty fun for the most part. Steve was being really sweet and so forth, which is unusual for him in social gatherings. I mean, he made the effort to sit next to me and rub my leg or hold my hand or stand behind me with his arms around me. This may not seem like a big deal to anyone else since he's my boyfriend and that's what he's supposed to do, but it was since he's not normally like that. I think he's really taking what I said to heart.

Now, to the not so good part: I slept there and it looked like it was going to be a good night with some cuddling and the like involved since that was the tone set for the evening, but no, not at all. We went to bed and he went to sleep. God damn was I grumpy. I couldn't sleep because I wasn't tired; I was sexually frustrated and felt moderately put on since he had made a comment earlier; he had his music up too loud; he smelled like smoke because he wore his under-shirt from the bar to bed; and he snored. It was barely even 1 people!! GAH! I hate being this keyed up and frustrated, but I feel like now that we have been together a while he is bored with me and doesn't want to even fucking kiss me and that annoys the shit out of me. I can go a damn long time without sex, but when I'm in a relationship where I'm used to having it or something when I sleep over and then it turns to nothing for weeks on end, including when we sleep together, I can't handle it. I guess I'm like a man in that regard. But for the love of god, Steve, get a fucking clue, I want to fuck you. And I rhymed. See what you make me do? I'm also gonna say that it didn't help too incredibly much that this "morning" I happened to find two copies of Glamour magazine under his bed up by where his head goes and I know I didn't leave them there because I had never seen these two issues before. The fucker can jo to that crap, but can't do me, what the hell? I'm right here! Makes me feel uber unappealing and I don't like that at all, especially since I kinda hate myself alot right now as is. Unsatisfied + hating self + finding boyfriend's "stash" = miserable Evy. I could tell he had been doing it often the last time we had sex because of the quality of the performance, but this is obscene. GR!

Sorry for the over-share, but I just had to put that out there.

I am expecting some damn good sex sometime this week before I go home whether he likes it or not. Hell, I may make him as part of a V Day gift. I just can't handle this any longer. And if I go home this weekend this unsatisfied, GAH! I would never ever ever cheat on Steve because I know how that feels, but for the love of god, I've had offers from past people who I know are good, and the dreams I've been having lately are just messing with my head. I'm not really a masturbater, but I'm getting desperate here.

Again, sorry for the over-share.





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I try, but I feel like I'm either an instructer scolding him for his bad performance or his mother teaching him how to treat his girlfriend. It's hard being with him when he's so inexperienced in relationships and I'm not used to it, ya know?

The reason his attention at the bar was so amazing was because he does have a hard time with expressed emotion with anyone around anymore (he's scared and scared to admit he is) but then to have him do a 360 when we got home was freaking crazy. How do you bring that up with someone and not make it sound like you are criticizing them and their take on sex?

I don't know. Maybe it won't work (I want it to work) because I feel like we need a relationship check-up every fucking month and it seems crazy. I'm both the happiest and saddest I've ever been in a relationship in this relationship.