New Year's Eve just got more interesting. Apparently, my dad almost died.
I don't know what to do with myself right now. I've spent so very much time hating my dad and being angry at him and doubting him and not trusting him that as soon as I hear he has to be admitted to the hospital my first response is always, "He's drinking again. Great. I knew it was too good to be true." So, tonight when I heard those words ("I have to go into the hospital for a while.") on my mom's voicemail (she handed the phone to me so I could hear the message too) that was my response. But the message went on. He's not drinking again, he's seriously hurt. He could have died and I feel like such a horrible person for wanting to be angry at him again and then having it be this.
I seriously thought for the instant before he explained why "It serves him right." No, it doesn't serve him right that he almost had his skull bashed in for trying to help a teen couple who was getting mugged New Year's Eve. It doesn't serve him right that a handful of bones in his face and a few of his ribs are broken. It doesn't serve him right that if they would have kicked a little harder I wouldn't have a dad anymore.
For so long I was operating under the notion that I didn't have a dad since things were so strained between us and since I hated him so much and didn't trust him, but the instant something like this happens, you don't know what to do. I feel so guilty for thinking the things I thought right before I heard that. He almost died and I let the words "It serves him right" cross my mind. I feel like a horrible person.
I don't know how to handle the 8 million emotions that are flooding my mind right now. I don't know what to do with it all. I've been angry and hated him so long that feeling guilty and frightened and sad just sits on top of that like a weight. I feel ... I feel like the worst person ever because I'm still angry and hurt and untrusting of him, but this happened to him so at the same time I feel like I shouldn't.
God, this is hard.
Things were actually kinda starting to look up for our relationship. He's been trying. He's been sober for a while, he's making an effort to contact me and let me know he's trying, he did really nice things for my brother and I for Christmas, hell, he even got us *more* Christmas presents after all he had already done. Right when he's starting to try and make amends this happens.
I called Steve and he did his Stevely best, but he doesn't now how to handle that type of stuff. He's no good at comforting people at all, but he tried and I appreciated it. I just really need a hug or a cuddle right now, as much as his voice helped, I could really use that right now.
I feel sick.
-----------Today's---First---Post-----------
(Thought I would still leave this up so you could see the pictures and stuff.)
Just wanted to update with some pictures from New Year's.
That's Jill and Tittle.
Our gracious host Trevor. I'm really glad he's a happy drunk. A REALLY happy drunk.
This is one of my housemates for next year, Joey. He was feeling pretty nice and wanted to show off what he was drinking. Great thing about living with him next year, he drinks good beer!!
Joey and Chas discussing beer or something. Who knows, really.
I was going for a slightly more candid picture of Jill and Leigh here, but Leigh caught me.
It's Tittle and I further proving that everyone loves twins (she's my D-Twin!).
I'm just sad I didn't get any with Steve while I was dressed up. I looked REALLY cute and so did he.
Oh well, another time.
PS. I had the most AMAZING sex after that party. Not seeing him for three weeks and having been stressed out for the two before that (so that makes 5, I guess) really made it great.
Just wanted to share my joy.
I don't know what to do with myself right now. I've spent so very much time hating my dad and being angry at him and doubting him and not trusting him that as soon as I hear he has to be admitted to the hospital my first response is always, "He's drinking again. Great. I knew it was too good to be true." So, tonight when I heard those words ("I have to go into the hospital for a while.") on my mom's voicemail (she handed the phone to me so I could hear the message too) that was my response. But the message went on. He's not drinking again, he's seriously hurt. He could have died and I feel like such a horrible person for wanting to be angry at him again and then having it be this.
I seriously thought for the instant before he explained why "It serves him right." No, it doesn't serve him right that he almost had his skull bashed in for trying to help a teen couple who was getting mugged New Year's Eve. It doesn't serve him right that a handful of bones in his face and a few of his ribs are broken. It doesn't serve him right that if they would have kicked a little harder I wouldn't have a dad anymore.
For so long I was operating under the notion that I didn't have a dad since things were so strained between us and since I hated him so much and didn't trust him, but the instant something like this happens, you don't know what to do. I feel so guilty for thinking the things I thought right before I heard that. He almost died and I let the words "It serves him right" cross my mind. I feel like a horrible person.
I don't know how to handle the 8 million emotions that are flooding my mind right now. I don't know what to do with it all. I've been angry and hated him so long that feeling guilty and frightened and sad just sits on top of that like a weight. I feel ... I feel like the worst person ever because I'm still angry and hurt and untrusting of him, but this happened to him so at the same time I feel like I shouldn't.
God, this is hard.
Things were actually kinda starting to look up for our relationship. He's been trying. He's been sober for a while, he's making an effort to contact me and let me know he's trying, he did really nice things for my brother and I for Christmas, hell, he even got us *more* Christmas presents after all he had already done. Right when he's starting to try and make amends this happens.
I called Steve and he did his Stevely best, but he doesn't now how to handle that type of stuff. He's no good at comforting people at all, but he tried and I appreciated it. I just really need a hug or a cuddle right now, as much as his voice helped, I could really use that right now.
I feel sick.
-----------Today's---First---Post-----------
(Thought I would still leave this up so you could see the pictures and stuff.)
Just wanted to update with some pictures from New Year's.
That's Jill and Tittle.
Our gracious host Trevor. I'm really glad he's a happy drunk. A REALLY happy drunk.
This is one of my housemates for next year, Joey. He was feeling pretty nice and wanted to show off what he was drinking. Great thing about living with him next year, he drinks good beer!!
Joey and Chas discussing beer or something. Who knows, really.
I was going for a slightly more candid picture of Jill and Leigh here, but Leigh caught me.
It's Tittle and I further proving that everyone loves twins (she's my D-Twin!).
I'm just sad I didn't get any with Steve while I was dressed up. I looked REALLY cute and so did he.
Oh well, another time.
PS. I had the most AMAZING sex after that party. Not seeing him for three weeks and having been stressed out for the two before that (so that makes 5, I guess) really made it great.
Just wanted to share my joy.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
As far as what happened to your father--he is awesome for helping out a couple that was being mugged. If he is willing to do that for complete strangers, just imagine what he would do for his own children. He is obviously a great man who just needs a little help in certain aspects of his life. You and your family will be in my thoughts.
But who knows.
Maybe he'll show up for some more darts next week