evil_mad_hatter

It's strange. I'm about to air something where hundreds can read it, or no one. The funny thing is that I don't care. Since I've none to talk to here, I might as well pretend that these words fall on ears that care. What's sad is that now this sounds like a pitiful cry for help. In actuality I just need to figure out... myself. Here goes

I don't have sex. It's not something I like to talk about, especially to people I don't know, but oh well. I like chocolate. I couldn't tell you why I like chocolate I just do. Why don't I have sex? I never really thought about it until recently and now it plauges me.

I'm not against sex. What I have experienced I like. I've recieved and given oral, god this feels wierd to talk about, I just need to work this out somehow. I don't want pointless sex. Or sex without emotion behind it, atleast for my first time. I want it to mean something.

Most people think I strange or crazy, and maybe they're all right in thinking that. I've turned down sex more times than I can think, even when I really wanted to, I just wouldn't allow myself to do it. Those who call me that do even more so when they find that I've turned down two girls at the same time. I know the aspects and possiblities of it. I know how good it would feel, well, I can guess anyway. I don't exactly know why I did. I like chocolate, I know I'd like sex, so why keep myself from it?

Fear. I fear sex in so many ways. I'm afraid I'll get someone pregnant. If that were to happen I wouldn't be able to let her abort it. Atleast I couldn't agree to it, she could just do it. I'm afraid of that too. I couldn't let it be put up for adoption either, no one else will be my childs daddy. Even If I had to do it myself. That I'm not afraid of, I love children and look forward to it. I just don't want it happening any time soon. There's something I fear more, pregnancy is mainly an excuse, not a reason.

I know what men are like. The stereotypical male. They're all pigs, horrible disgusting creatures that give pigs a bad name. I'm nothing like them and never want to be. I'm me. For one thing I'm far too emotional for my own good, and it costs me, especially when people use me and I know it. I can't let a woman suffer. I will go so far out of my way to prevent it, and they know it. I'm losing track here, not like this isn't going to be too long as it is.

Men do anything they can for sex. Lie to a woman to get her to sleep with him, then leave as if nothinh happened. As if he didn't violate her. Sex is a beautifull thing. Two people becoming one physically and emotionally. And for them to turn it into something so ugly infurriates me. I fear having sex without reason will change me. Every one tells me how great sex is, and how everything will change once I've had it. I don't want to change, I want to be me. I'm nothing like them and never will be. I can't, not ever.

The ability to deny our natural impulses is part of what makes us human. So am I not right in thinking I'm doing the right thing. What is to separate us from animals if all we do is following out insticts. Our instincs tell us to breed, spread and devour. Do animals love one another? When it's time they just do it. Given the chance an animal will attempt to breed. We have a choice, am I wrong to make the choice not to. To fight myself, isn't that part of being what I am. I don't know anymore. I dind't queston it until recently. I think too fucking much.

I can't allow myself to enjot anything. The whole time I think about why I do what I do. When I'm near a woman I can't just be there. I think about why I'm attracted to her, should I make an advancment, does she want me to, is she coming on to me, am I seeing something that's not there, if I do go for her what will happen, what do I say, where do stand, how should I place my hands, should I be subtle or go for it. Even worse is when I think I'm thinking too much and think about that too.

One night recently a girl and I had been drinnking and I knew she wanted me, any guy could have been there, and I knew I could have slept with her. Whe I say sleep that's exactly what I mean. To hold a woman in my arms, to fell her, see her, smell her, there is nothing greater in all my experience. I some how got to talking about wanting to advance but, blah blaah blaah. She literally screamed that I think too much. That's when all this started in my head, a couple months ago. This is getting way too long but I dpn't care any more.

I've lost many good relationships because I wouldn't have sex. None of them told me that was the reason, but they never went more than a few days before finding out. I could please them well with what I do, but that's not all they wanted. None wanted to be with me if I would.. go all the way. It feels dirty saying it like that. Every time hurt and made me question myself, but every time I thought I was right. Maybe I am, I dont know anymore.

We go to now. Every woman I know likes me. The ones who I can date really like me. Every woman wants a bit of me, I'm seriously not being arrogant, it's just because I'm a nice guy and know how to treat women. They're interested up to the point they find out I don't have sex. You can't imagine the look in a woman's eyes as I talk to her and I know all I have to do is ask and we'll be set for dinner, and when she finds out I don't have sex. Dissapointment fills her eyes and then she's gone. She's still a friend, but I need a companion right now. God I'm sounding pathetic after that one. But if I'm looking in her eyes Not only do I see that dissapoitnment, but pity. I don't need your pity. I don't need any one's pity. So I'm a virgin. It's my choice! I don't need pity over a desicion I made! How dare any of you pity me! Who do you think you are?

The hardest part is knowing that over all these years of making myself into who I thought I should be, after killing who I used to be, after being what women say they want, it's not good enough. No matter how hard I try I can't give a woman what she really wants. I try so hard for nothing. Is that all it really comes down to. It is. I love women. I do anything I can for them. But all I can do isn't enough. They want what I can't give them. And that leaves me here. Last night I took a blade to myself to avoid this conclusion. That everything I belive is wrong. No matter how har I try it won't be enough.

I've come to what I've been seeking. I found my answer. I still can't give an exact answer to why I don't have sex. But I foundmy answer. Why I'm having so much trouble now. If anyone reads this don't worry. I'm not going to hurt myself with anything, I've done that enough allready. I'm mentally exhausted now and need to go to bed for a little.

I don't need or want your pity. Be happy I found my answer. I don't know how long I'll leave this up, even if they let me. But Be happy I found my anwser. goodnight