So, the one thing i hate about being me, is that i'm built like a handful of pipe cleaners held together in the center by a half eaten DONUT! My ass is way too big and the double takes that i get when i walk by are PRICELESS.
Assholes yelling "Damn, is that all YOU?" from their car windows as they sit in traffic..OH YES- PLEASE, CAUSE EVERYONE TO SCRUTINIZE MY BOOTY WHEN I WALK BY TO SEE IF I'M WEARING A MATTRESS PAD IN MY BACK POCKETS, FAGGOT!!
The bitch in Victoria's Secret being ever so discreet with "Oh, you're way too small for a LARGE boy short..let me switch these for you!" and then causing a debate in the PINK section as to whether or not i wanna try on a medium or small.. NO BITCH-I WANT THE GODDAMN SIZE THAT I ASKED FOR SO MY CHEEKS DON'T GOBBLE UP MY PANTIES LIKE THE FUCKING HAMBURGLAR!
..And who could forget the Korean boutique owner on Melrose trying to push the glittery, blinged out "BOOTYLICIOUS" tank top and MATCHING hat on me as though i need to advertise my junk. "You have nice Booty like J.Lo & Beyonce, it so puhrky...this puhrfect fo you!!" UH-STANK YOU BERRY MUCH, BUT THATS NOT QUITE MY TASTE, SWAN LEE!!
WTF?? Its bad enough that it take weeks for me to buy jeans that i end up buying in stacks of six so i don't have to look for more in the near future. I buy my pants 2 sizes too big and take em' in so i don't look like a plumber with my ass crack hanging out (FYI ladies: ASSCRACK and VISIBLE THONGS are not sexy. Pull up your fucking jeans, you SLAGS!!)
I'm off now for yet another fun adventure of searching for a pair of jeans in a 4 long, with extra stretch..which is like the HOLY GRAIL! I've got my pocket edition of the "Da'vinci Code", a photocopy of the Vitruvian man, plus a small asian boy who speaks broken english and knows really lame kung fu to guide me through the treacherous paths of the Bloomingdales denim department.
Hey, it works in the movies!! Wish me luck...
Welcome back ♥