brain vomit. please excuse my ADD. 
i have it easy, my parents are paying for my college, i've never had a job, i never had to work hard in school because i'm pretty intelligent.
but despite all this, i'm not happy.
i make excuses to not go to class.
i don't think i've handed anything in on time since last semester.
i've missed 2 tests.
i've gained about 20lbs.
you know what i do all day? nothing.
i sit on my computer and i look at random shit on the internet. maybe go to class and if i feel like it i'll go get food.
i'd rather go get a tattoo or piercing or just go chill with people than go to class and do productive things.
i can't sleep anymore. i'm up until my body shuts itself down.
i haven't been to the barn in over a month. i'm scheduled for lessons but stuff has come up every week.
i'm currently on academic probation. my GPA was a 1.37 last semester.
i need to get it up by a ton if i want to even have a chance of staying here.
but right now i have no motivation to do that.
i'd be much happier taking maybe 3 classes, getting an apartment and getting a job.
i would be doing this if my parents would let me. but my dad thinks i would be setting myself up to drop out by doing that.
did i mention that my parents don't know i'm on academic probation?
that makes getting my GPA up even more stressful because i'm trying to hide the fact that i'm failing.
maybe i'm trying to avoid them knowing by just dropping out or lightening my class load before i have to admit failure.
maybe i need a semester off. but that could lead to going home. which is something i am avoiding at all costs.
maybe i'm trying to grow up too fast by avoiding home.
but i really feel like my life is here, i've never felt like that before.
when i was home i always was looking for somewhere i belonged, somewhere i felt i could stay.
this is that place.
i just feel like giving up on school.
this wouldn't be that big of a deal if i didn't have a life here.
if i didn't i could just move home and cut my losses.
but home is 6 hours away and i'd be going back to my crazy overbearing mother.
my problem is, i want to be here, in Bloomsburg, but i don't want to take classes.
i'm not suicidal, but i honestly don't see a future for myself.
maybe i'm just depressed again and i need to up my meds.
i just don't see anything in the future. i stopped thinking like that a long time ago.
i live day by day. and the days are starting to blend together.
if everything would go as planned, i would have an apartment with Deavon, i'd be taking 3 classes that i'm actually interested in, and i'd be happy.
that is as far as i get with any "future plans"
i used to be happy just going to my boyfriends house to cuddle and do nothing.
now all i want to do is lay in his bed or my bed and have him hold me while i cry.
i'm constantly fighting back tears.
why do i want to cry?
maybe i'm about to break.
who knows.
i just feel like for some reason my life is in pieces.
i've always been one for puzzles, but its hard to put the pieces together when you have no idea what the final picture should look like or if you even have all the pieces.
i have it easy, my parents are paying for my college, i've never had a job, i never had to work hard in school because i'm pretty intelligent.
but despite all this, i'm not happy.
i make excuses to not go to class.
i don't think i've handed anything in on time since last semester.
i've missed 2 tests.
i've gained about 20lbs.
you know what i do all day? nothing.
i sit on my computer and i look at random shit on the internet. maybe go to class and if i feel like it i'll go get food.
i'd rather go get a tattoo or piercing or just go chill with people than go to class and do productive things.
i can't sleep anymore. i'm up until my body shuts itself down.
i haven't been to the barn in over a month. i'm scheduled for lessons but stuff has come up every week.
i'm currently on academic probation. my GPA was a 1.37 last semester.
i need to get it up by a ton if i want to even have a chance of staying here.
but right now i have no motivation to do that.
i'd be much happier taking maybe 3 classes, getting an apartment and getting a job.
i would be doing this if my parents would let me. but my dad thinks i would be setting myself up to drop out by doing that.
did i mention that my parents don't know i'm on academic probation?
that makes getting my GPA up even more stressful because i'm trying to hide the fact that i'm failing.
maybe i'm trying to avoid them knowing by just dropping out or lightening my class load before i have to admit failure.
maybe i need a semester off. but that could lead to going home. which is something i am avoiding at all costs.
maybe i'm trying to grow up too fast by avoiding home.
but i really feel like my life is here, i've never felt like that before.
when i was home i always was looking for somewhere i belonged, somewhere i felt i could stay.
this is that place.
i just feel like giving up on school.
this wouldn't be that big of a deal if i didn't have a life here.
if i didn't i could just move home and cut my losses.
but home is 6 hours away and i'd be going back to my crazy overbearing mother.
my problem is, i want to be here, in Bloomsburg, but i don't want to take classes.
i'm not suicidal, but i honestly don't see a future for myself.
maybe i'm just depressed again and i need to up my meds.
i just don't see anything in the future. i stopped thinking like that a long time ago.
i live day by day. and the days are starting to blend together.
if everything would go as planned, i would have an apartment with Deavon, i'd be taking 3 classes that i'm actually interested in, and i'd be happy.
that is as far as i get with any "future plans"
i used to be happy just going to my boyfriends house to cuddle and do nothing.
now all i want to do is lay in his bed or my bed and have him hold me while i cry.
i'm constantly fighting back tears.
why do i want to cry?
maybe i'm about to break.
who knows.
i just feel like for some reason my life is in pieces.
i've always been one for puzzles, but its hard to put the pieces together when you have no idea what the final picture should look like or if you even have all the pieces.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
Good luck hun
Hope this helps.
x0!