eveski

so i guess i don't really have a place to start with the depression. i can't pinpoint a time in my life where it started. i just remember feeling it around the age of 12. its been a long battle and its exhausting. i've attempted suicide at least 3x, and only had someone intervene once. i haven't cut or self injured in years unless you count getting tattooed and pierced in that category like my mom does. thats also another thing that adds to this. my mother. she has extremely high standards and im never good enough for her. yea she does all the mom things, but its all about appearances with her. she feels the need to have everyone think she is perfect and has a perfect life. and since i don't always help that cause, she projects her insecurities onto me. when i try to talk to her she gets upset and acts like im the horrible one and that i am out to get her and am "ungrateful for everything [she's] done for me". i also can't talk to my dad about it because she has beat him down into a perfect little puppet for her. i feel bad for him really. i just wish he would man up and tell her off for once. she doesnt let him do anything, shes even making him start to work out and diet and shit. like come on he's fucking 63 years old, he can make his own life choices and he doesnt need you to be a mother to him. i feel like i don't have a mom sometimes with the way she treats me. "you can come to me with anything" are empty words because if i actually were to do that she would judge me, burst into tears and guilt trip me with her favorite line "i'm a failure as a mother". this is a constant battle, and the only way to get around it is to lead two separate lives; my actual life, where i make my own choices, and the life my mother thinks i live where i do everything she wants. i put on a great act with her and everything seems fine between us. but it isnt, and she is totally oblivious to the fact that she is ruining me. she makes me feel like the smallest person in the world and now i have her insecurities and fears because thats all ive ever known in life. i also feel like everything i do in life is to secretly spite her. she wants me to do well in school, so i don't, she hates me talking to guys, so i sleep with them, she hates tattoos and piercings, i have 2 tatts and 13 piercings, she doesnt like me drinking, i black out, she doesnt want me going somewhere, i go there. i do it all in secret to feel like i am somehow getting away with being my own person. she cant see that everything she does and says to me only makes it worse for me. i dont even do it consciously sometimes, its just so natural now. i think thats why i have no motivation for anything, because moving forward in life is what she wants me to do, and i don't want to do anything to make her happy.

ugh idk its been an 18 year battle with her, and i've only had my little victories. maybe some day i can get away from her and all the shit she does to bring me down.