eventide

well, i work pretty hard at this. finding friends. oh, im working too hard? oh, not hard enough? oh, i need to relax? oh. oh well.

i could go into a bar and talk to a stranger. great idea. they would be unfriendy. most people are. some arent. how can you spot them? oh i know, the friendly ones are with other people. their having...
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ok whiner, listen up: you can make these things happen. the new group material, the solo, the viola da gamba piece..,., even operas and tours. this is your gift. actually not that many people _could_ even do this. in the sense of _are able_. the point is you probably will too. so , if you have to hang out alone a few days here and...
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ok, heres a story ive never told anyone:

i was a senior in high school and i met this girl with short very blonde hair, almost white. i remember she looked like dick tracys girl from the moon. and she told me how she and her friends used to go skinny dipping at the old quary. in long lines, she said. in the moon light....
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fuck fuckity fuck fuck

alone, as usual.. i hate it
does anyone hate christmas as much as i do?
i doubt it. i hate it PASSIONATELY !


How do i hate thee? Let me count the ways.
I hate thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when i ever i hear those songs.
I hate thee to the level of...
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listen carefully

the pads on the bottoms of my feet
thick from so many years of dancing
make the same sound as the cats
as i climb the linoleum stairs

it was to be my last
i know
but i woke up from a dream
and know that i am still alive
my heart, i mean

she was my next door neighbor
someone ive known...
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This is my last post:


ok. so its 117, in estonia, and im lattitudinally jet lagged, so im not sure what this worth, but

i feel like i can say it.

finally.

the ultimate truth.

but first, isnt it strange that i would think such a thing? such a childish notion! that writing or saying anything can be important or have meaning. ha ha!

ok,...
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cool day. i keep getting these bursts of ... i dont know... inspiration.

i feel like something is coming up.

i didnt go outside all day. didnt stretch or do yoga. once.

2 of my 5 accounts are maxed out in debt. and im alone in this world. and still i feel quite ok.

strange.

something helena smsed me yesterday, "we chant to keep back...
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i go studio
and work, for hours on some dumb thing
stopping sometimes to wonder at it all
and
the thing is...
whether is it art or not,
it is anyway
like water, my medium
and
when at night i feel that inspiration feeling
that so much is possible
a kind of a vision thing
-God-
well, then i know there is some sense in...
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we actually spoke. im still shaken. but its ok. now i can tick it off my list. write big. ask tree. i use code words for It. in 3 months i will try again. i offer her work. its what she can understand.
ok, back to life. processed a kilo of fine herb. no no i dont smoke. its just a ... thing i do....
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o this thing called art-
the answer to all the riddles
dancing in the periphery of my vision
just as it did, what, 20 years ago, when i started this quest.
it has the same allure, and promise. the same mystery.
mystery, yes, because to be honest, it is still not there
quite

i know that it is not the same as feelings
even these...
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