eventide

heeeyyyyyy everyone! i plan to kill myself. im not a girl, i know, but it seems fitting.
anyway.
i think its illegal.,., ha ha. who cares?!
you probably think im down. but its not like that. its just that i think ive had enough. ij sort of "get it". you know?
theres some things that change, and some things that dont -- at least not without a pyroclastic flow, or a bomb or a plane crash or something. this fact is

human nature.

if i cared about my race. ... if i were a father or a social worker. or worked for amnesty international or the world wild life fund .,., i might feel differently. but i dont do that kind of thing. and never will. im a choreographer. an artist. three people stopped and told me how they liked my work and how it touched them. one was wet in her eyes. and yet,.,.

see i believed them. and it felt good, like balsam on my soul, and i told them that, but it wore off in a few hours. it is not like, anyone needs me, or anything i do.

or, you know, if i had a lover. but i dont. and wont. six thousand times i have been so happy that someone was going to have time for dinner with me. and six thousands times it has not worked out. im not joking! 6000!
but i understand. im busy too. (i cant even find time for my suicide!) people are busy. interesting people are. anyway, i like it every time! the hope! the maybe! and hope springs eternal , as they say. ive learned to enjoy the maybe, mayybbbbeeeee?!?!!??!

cool.

see its all ok. im not down. just extraneous.

sooo.... next airplane you see passing overhead,
and this dark object breaking away, twisting and turning like a bit of tissue in the wind. thats me. watch for the flips, the grand jt.
and imagine, since you will probably not hear it, that i am shouting out,
all
the
way
down:
yeeeeey!!!!!!!!!!!

the trip, all-in-all, was worth it.