eventide

hey you non -existants! hey!

ok: oh so ordinary...

i dont, of course, know what kind of burning
other people carry in their hearts
but it seems to me
that to be an artist takes two things

one is technique
and the other is this
what i feel tonight
and

have over many many years
namely, a kind of pain in life
or, unhappiness, or happiness

see its not really quite a "thing"
but it can feel like fire
i know that.

and i know that it came to me
in a dream oh , 38 years ago
how strange to think of it now

in a little house made of cement and asbestos
and my father was a physicist
and my mother an intellectual

and it meant that i would carry an unhappiess with me
as long as this jouney we call life
lasts

well, there were six years, and summer , or week here or there
but even during the six
i remember lying beside her
in manahattan
in our sublet from the black shakesperean actor
on 208th street
crying, and she asked, and i said,
because i am so happy,
i know , for i did knew, that love like that is not
meant for a world like this

she , tree, knows what i am talking about

i feel like writing her. i might. i have nothing to lose
in that department ha ha

i sent her a letter, by the way,
yesterday,
too late - i mean it will arrive too late to deliver the invitation
that it includes

see? i didnt want her to get it
not that i wouldnt like her to say yes,
but because, well, first of all, it will hurt when she says no
and she will
and second of all, because it would make me insane if she said yes.

but back to my point,

with one final diversion...

i emailed with a man i dont know today
a man who makes musical instruments that sing
literally, with synthetic human voice
(i saw a video in the internet)
and told me in a couple of lines of my interest in
speech synthesis

and then suddenly it occurred to me
that it stems from a desire to be l heard,
but not to have to SAY anything

see, like , well i told him that it is because i used to stutter
and that i am remembering how carefully people
listen when you stutter.

how completely they listen
to
you
not your words you understand

but you

ok, now to this pain,
see, it gives me a power,
this is the thing
and i know this is partly myth and fantasy (like the power of super heros in comic
books)

but partly it is real.
i have proven this
it is the power to make productions happen
and to make pieces come into being

not many these days, i admit
and not all are good,
but some are
and i feel there are one or two more make before i turn in

and this is not actually something everyone can say

fear to be discovered