eventide

ive been meaning to say this for some time now
it may be the moon of course
which, when i came into the house tonight, i tried to find the lightswitch for
(save electricity. global warming and all)

am i endager of loosing my dreams?
is there any chance she will say yes?

not much.

i havent sent it yet, but each day i say "today"
since the middle of june

see, if i convince myself not to care
if i really reach that point
when i can only laugh at myself
and no longer feel that burning desire, that i have kept like a jewel inside me for so long now
if for example she says no,
or nothing at all, which is no

see? I WANT to care. this pain. i drag it out. its me. es, it has something vaguely to do with art
but i know, through my wis-fucking-dom, that this is a childish excuse:
yes it has something to do with art, but nothing direct like that, its not really like "i need to make a piece about her" it doesnt work like that. not really. however it may feel.

its not the THING that makes art, but that i am the kind of person that HAS things. the kkind that dives. and breaks the surface coughing. sputtering for air.

ill send it soon.