eventide

that i type on my laptop in the bathtub

or burn beeswax candles when i do,
and have arranged my wooden matches to make a great
labyrinth
on my window sill
or
that i, yet again, was the only person alone in the movie theater

its a long list

but it comes down to one thing:

inspiration and discipline are the same thing.
i used to think it was "you need the one if you dont have the other". but now i see you can not _have_ one without the other.
hm. funny this never occurred to me before.

so when i did my ashtanga in the classroom today
alone
on sunday
i breathed and tried hard to stay with the man in the video
and to do it AS WELL AS I COULD
which is the only way to do it
when he said "petangeli", i said "petangeli"
and not let my thoughts slow me down
or stop me

and then, finally, i did slow down, and this is always sad
when i reach that point
when i just cant do what he is doing
like those bizarre handstands
or those lotus position things that kill my knees

and then i sat for a moment, and then pulled myself together for my then personalized final things

and of course, after a tea, i could have gone on..

but i realized, that this little unseen struggle
to overcome my mind
and do something that no one sees, or pays me for

something difficult

it is this

this, and all those funny things too

like the dances i do
at night, under the stars, in the golf course
hoping no one will see, or maybe hoping that someone does see
but no one in authority

and even
that i have an obsession, or had one,
or know what the word means
or that i CAN have one
(or do)

i mean, can you? can one thing
drive you to the edge of insanity? i mean,
see god, or commit suicide (did i?)
something so incredibly sweet, and yet dark as dark as your very very very worst fear.
god. GGGOd

something you dont even understand
because you cant

this

is what makes this life my own. mine

justified

it is why i can
fly in my dreams
when no else can
or few, in any case

it is what lets me go onto a stage
it is what leads me to i mean,
and to want to do it in a way
practiced and studied and
just exactly so

that it can touch you, in a way rare and
beautiful

design a certain kind of thing
quite well, i think, at times.

it is why
no one my age wastes time
writing teenage diaries

but i do

i have cultivated my childhood
for 50 fucking years

and am i happy for this
well, am i?
(its nothing to be proud of you know...)

ok. yesssss!!!!!
tonight at least.....