in my haste to get my rent $ dropped off on time, i didn't realize my vague description of my problem was going to leave people hanging. how self absorbed am i ?
back to my bullshit.. i'm having trust issues, actually, just one huge trust issue w/ some one i prayed i'd never have this kind of bullshit w/. it's been a off again, on again situation for almost a year, and i feel like i'm about to break underneath the weight it's throwing on me. it' sucks that it's so fucking difficult for me to find a way to vent, and get out everything i need to, when i am sitting here having to choose my words so fucking carefully. (the other half of the this situation is also a active member.)
i don't know where to begin. what can i say about being what i can't help feel is lied to, and deceived by the person who holds my heart? i've seen too many things that a lobotomized 5 yr. old wouldn't be able to ignore, let alone some one far too familiar w/ being the faithful half of several unfaithful relationships. and still, i'm struggeling to try and give the benefit of the doubt, in spite of the intention/tentative plan to "meet up w/ a new friend" bullshit i found out about last year....
i've come to him for an explanation w/
what i've seen and noticed since then. it all runs together in my head like one horrible, never ending conversation. i have less answers and am nowhere closer to the truth than i was the first time around.
the worst part is that i know he really does love me. i've wasted more than
enough years w/ men that didn't love me at all, and the difference is evident. i can see it on his face that he loves me ,and it makes me want to scream until my head pops. why does he lie to me? if he wants to be w/ other people, then why does he continue to keep me here? it's not to use me for anything, because i have damn near nothing to offer in that respect. but if he loves me, why can't i be enough? why doesn't love make me worthy of knowing the truth. i feel so completley torn the fuck apart.
it probably sounds insignifigant and stupid to the rest of the world, but i feel like the world is about to come crashing down on me. my world, anyway. the horrible irony is that i've always gone into relationships 1/2 expecting, or waiting for this to happen. i almost let it become some what accepted that i was going to be cheated on sooner or later. but w/ this one, it never even occured to me that it he would ever do something like that to me, that he would ever even want to.
after years of keeping a safe distance,
and protecting my heart as much as
possible, the person i finally really let in, and give my complete self to might be the one able to inflict the most pain.
back to my bullshit.. i'm having trust issues, actually, just one huge trust issue w/ some one i prayed i'd never have this kind of bullshit w/. it's been a off again, on again situation for almost a year, and i feel like i'm about to break underneath the weight it's throwing on me. it' sucks that it's so fucking difficult for me to find a way to vent, and get out everything i need to, when i am sitting here having to choose my words so fucking carefully. (the other half of the this situation is also a active member.)
i don't know where to begin. what can i say about being what i can't help feel is lied to, and deceived by the person who holds my heart? i've seen too many things that a lobotomized 5 yr. old wouldn't be able to ignore, let alone some one far too familiar w/ being the faithful half of several unfaithful relationships. and still, i'm struggeling to try and give the benefit of the doubt, in spite of the intention/tentative plan to "meet up w/ a new friend" bullshit i found out about last year....
i've come to him for an explanation w/
what i've seen and noticed since then. it all runs together in my head like one horrible, never ending conversation. i have less answers and am nowhere closer to the truth than i was the first time around.
the worst part is that i know he really does love me. i've wasted more than
enough years w/ men that didn't love me at all, and the difference is evident. i can see it on his face that he loves me ,and it makes me want to scream until my head pops. why does he lie to me? if he wants to be w/ other people, then why does he continue to keep me here? it's not to use me for anything, because i have damn near nothing to offer in that respect. but if he loves me, why can't i be enough? why doesn't love make me worthy of knowing the truth. i feel so completley torn the fuck apart.
it probably sounds insignifigant and stupid to the rest of the world, but i feel like the world is about to come crashing down on me. my world, anyway. the horrible irony is that i've always gone into relationships 1/2 expecting, or waiting for this to happen. i almost let it become some what accepted that i was going to be cheated on sooner or later. but w/ this one, it never even occured to me that it he would ever do something like that to me, that he would ever even want to.
after years of keeping a safe distance,
and protecting my heart as much as
possible, the person i finally really let in, and give my complete self to might be the one able to inflict the most pain.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Second, take more than just a step back from the situation, your going to need some space to figure this one out . i'm not going to tell you that your right or wrong but i will say "try to be the one who calls the shots in the relationship". If he wants to see other people ,then let him , but be strong as to say, that its over. Don't let him tie you arond his finger.
If this guy is in fact seeing another person, then you don't need him. Life can be very simple if you take the anishitive to make it simple. by you getting depressed over the problem it doesn't solve anything.
Thats why I said to take more than just a step back.
One thing is for sure people that enter relationships w/ a negitive outlook or (keep yourself at a safe distance)additude ,you are going to have this problems. I have seen it to many times before. I ,myself am guilty of this.
If your not happy ,do something about it. Don't sit there and let him tear you apart while he's trying to firure out if he wants to be with you or not .Do what it takes to make yourself happy, by all means necessary, but with that said " STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF".
I hope that I helped out in some way or another,if not, I'm sorry...........................
ryan
he's got the right idea