I have officially flipped and lost my fucking mind!!!!! I haven't heard from Case since Mid February and for anyone not familiar with this drama, you;ll have to go back and read about it-I have no desire to rehash it. A few weeks ago i came to a very clear and peaceful state of knowing I not only loved him, but was in love with him, Great -but for the fact that he's 3000 miles away and seeing someone oh ....and not making attempt the first to contact me. I figured it would be as it should and just leave it alone and continue on this journey of mine. I miss him immensley, especially given all that has happened since that awakening. I miss freudianslip so damn much -I couldn't even cry to him and his passing was alot of my tears anyway.
Part of my journey it seems has been to learn how strong I am- eventhough I am balling my eyes out right now. Mostly cause I just remembered how much i really miss Sammy and My Casey, and because I think it just hit me all that I have really been through and I am fine. i still find joy in little things like 7 mile walks in a thunderstorm and splashing around in puddles like fred Astaire. I look at my Grandmothers wedding ring on my finger and can almost see my grandparents together again...smiling, peaceful so I know I'm ok....
Saturday early morning i got that old and familiar wake up call. Later then what was normal -I mean seriously 6am? His ringtone is soft and melodic, I am still surprised that I even heard it at all. I did and reached for the phone and saw his name. He hung up before I could pick up. I hesitated and rang him back- i never could stay made at him and I miss his voice, i miss everything about him and it gets worse with time instead of better. Lastly he is my friend and i will always be there for him as such. I guess I was both shocked and needed to make sure he was ok. We really didn't speak that long at all. we were interrupted several different times. i couldn't hear him....it was a bullshit call that really has fucked with my head ever sense.
He admitted to being scared and does not know if he's able to be in a relationship with me......he's said it before and it hurt then, but I really never asked him to elaborate. i didn't think he really could and in my head i thought i already knew what that was about and it was certainly very valid. I really think i may be wrong. It does not change the fact that he is scared of me and that hurts us-in any form we can't have any kind of relationship as long as this goes on. Not even friendship, I can't ....
he last call was to tell me he will call in a few days when he is thinking clearly. I have not eaten well at all or slept well since. However I do think i am getting a sinus infection or summer cold or some dumb something....
Today I had enough, i'm too weak and lethargic to do much, going to the grocery store took all that I had and the rain here is killing me. I need SUNLIGHT. So suddenly I break down and start pleading for clarity and to stop thinkng about him and ...all of it. Suddenly i was sending a text because I am not ready for him yet, just alittle while longer and I am free to move forward and I need this. I know he knows me and I know he knows this could be more. He said that. He has always been the one to bring up anything remotly sounding relationshipy and I have been a like a guy. He danced gracefully probably looking for someone to join in???? And I just kinda watched him dance and I suppose I showed no emotion. Why would anyone want to dance for someone who looked as if they cared less???
So sense I have never told him how I felt or what I wanted......I just text him what I hope he didn't get while driving as I am sure it was scary enough to make him fall out behind the wheel. Who texts: For the record yes I love you. Yes i'm in love with you and yes I have known that for some time? Oh how about I know your the man I want to spend my life with and even raise children with.
WTF??? He knows me well though- he knows I have never EVER been able to feel that in my life. I have made decisions based on thought. I have never been able to make that kind of commitment, i just couldn't and he knows I would never say something liike that if it wasn't true. And it absolutly is. It's how I feel. he is everything I have ever wanted that person in my life to be. All except the scared part. The man I want, wants and will fight for me. I suppose his answer whenever we get right down to it, his answer will tell if he really is that man.
Knowing my boy-it will likely be another 5 months before we speak again. How can love be so beautiful and so fucked up at the same time? I suppose though for me, he is worth the struggle and for the past year and a half we've been through a great bit.......
So now I am going to try and eat something and take an antibiotic and hopefully feel like new in the morning.
Sammy must be laughing at my poor grammer. What the hell happened to my writing? My Spelling??????? Urghhhh
Part of my journey it seems has been to learn how strong I am- eventhough I am balling my eyes out right now. Mostly cause I just remembered how much i really miss Sammy and My Casey, and because I think it just hit me all that I have really been through and I am fine. i still find joy in little things like 7 mile walks in a thunderstorm and splashing around in puddles like fred Astaire. I look at my Grandmothers wedding ring on my finger and can almost see my grandparents together again...smiling, peaceful so I know I'm ok....
Saturday early morning i got that old and familiar wake up call. Later then what was normal -I mean seriously 6am? His ringtone is soft and melodic, I am still surprised that I even heard it at all. I did and reached for the phone and saw his name. He hung up before I could pick up. I hesitated and rang him back- i never could stay made at him and I miss his voice, i miss everything about him and it gets worse with time instead of better. Lastly he is my friend and i will always be there for him as such. I guess I was both shocked and needed to make sure he was ok. We really didn't speak that long at all. we were interrupted several different times. i couldn't hear him....it was a bullshit call that really has fucked with my head ever sense.
He admitted to being scared and does not know if he's able to be in a relationship with me......he's said it before and it hurt then, but I really never asked him to elaborate. i didn't think he really could and in my head i thought i already knew what that was about and it was certainly very valid. I really think i may be wrong. It does not change the fact that he is scared of me and that hurts us-in any form we can't have any kind of relationship as long as this goes on. Not even friendship, I can't ....
he last call was to tell me he will call in a few days when he is thinking clearly. I have not eaten well at all or slept well since. However I do think i am getting a sinus infection or summer cold or some dumb something....
Today I had enough, i'm too weak and lethargic to do much, going to the grocery store took all that I had and the rain here is killing me. I need SUNLIGHT. So suddenly I break down and start pleading for clarity and to stop thinkng about him and ...all of it. Suddenly i was sending a text because I am not ready for him yet, just alittle while longer and I am free to move forward and I need this. I know he knows me and I know he knows this could be more. He said that. He has always been the one to bring up anything remotly sounding relationshipy and I have been a like a guy. He danced gracefully probably looking for someone to join in???? And I just kinda watched him dance and I suppose I showed no emotion. Why would anyone want to dance for someone who looked as if they cared less???
So sense I have never told him how I felt or what I wanted......I just text him what I hope he didn't get while driving as I am sure it was scary enough to make him fall out behind the wheel. Who texts: For the record yes I love you. Yes i'm in love with you and yes I have known that for some time? Oh how about I know your the man I want to spend my life with and even raise children with.
WTF??? He knows me well though- he knows I have never EVER been able to feel that in my life. I have made decisions based on thought. I have never been able to make that kind of commitment, i just couldn't and he knows I would never say something liike that if it wasn't true. And it absolutly is. It's how I feel. he is everything I have ever wanted that person in my life to be. All except the scared part. The man I want, wants and will fight for me. I suppose his answer whenever we get right down to it, his answer will tell if he really is that man. Knowing my boy-it will likely be another 5 months before we speak again. How can love be so beautiful and so fucked up at the same time? I suppose though for me, he is worth the struggle and for the past year and a half we've been through a great bit.......
So now I am going to try and eat something and take an antibiotic and hopefully feel like new in the morning.
Sammy must be laughing at my poor grammer. What the hell happened to my writing? My Spelling??????? Urghhhh
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Arturo may not have been the best of boxers, but he was certainly one of the most exciting. It's sad to see him go.