evangelin

I keep getting these massive headaches and I feel like I have been running on a half tank of energy for a week. I am not a big fan of the full moon-because it usually always fucks with me like that, and I REALLY do not like Mercury retrograde phases. It is one of the only astrological events i can tell you about in length-because it sucks ass! Mercury controls communication, when it goes backward it causes misunderstandings, delays, anything dealing in technology may be negatively impacted, so back your computers up. I experienced a huge banking issue like ten years back. I don't even recall the details other than I had to make multiple trips to deal with it face to face and then at some point wrote a very nasty and long letter to someone about it. I think I recall that I may have threatened legal action if the situation weren't made right. I know for a fact that whatever happened, it was all the sudden one day corrected. I think I had told the story to someone and they told me about Mercury retro and gave me a site to go read about it. It's gotten so bad now I don't need to know the dates, stuff happens and I go what a minute-what the helll is going on and look to see where mercury is. Yesterday it was stopping so that it could begin it's backward motion today. Supposedly this happens to make us reevaluate and revisit decisions we have made. I think...I was never really into why it happened, just when and when the hell it would be over....

I slept ok last night- no dreams of Joe....I don't know why the past week he just keeps appearing in my dreams and Friday night that was all I dreamt and woke up on the verge of a panic attack. It's like he's trying to tell me something only that last dream I don't recall him speaking at all...I need to call his mom and make sure everything is ok, I didn't for the holidays or the New Year, call any of them. I just couldn't-what do you say??? I try to stay optimitic and in a good emotional and mental place...but even i just didn't have anything. Joe's gone and so is John-what do you say to a family that has lost so much in such a short span of time. I didn't want to dwell on thngs we can't change, I didn't want to pretend like thngs were just beaver clever, I acknowledge that had to be the toughest time for the family to deal with> So I didn't deal with it.

I have also realized that I have reached my end with not working and feeling like a victim. that is how I feel, like someone is holding me hostage and I have spent a year watching everything just being taken away from me. People, places, things, finances-happiness, dreams all of it. I can't stand worrying about money much less that I have had to give up all the things that make me happy. I am disgusted that i can't just get on a fucking plane and go wherever I want, when I want. Everytime I think well you know what I am good-no, i'm really not and that reality isn't fucking shy. I'm over it, I lost it yesterday - i have never been a victim to anything. I've been stubborn and made bad choices-but i have never been a victim. So now I have some tough considerations to make. I want to be in so cal, that is what I want, but I also want my fucking life, to build on my terms and that is NOT here or Jersey and requires me making a strong career choice. Sounds good right???? Until your me realizing the opportunity may very well lie far away from everyone I love and anythng I know and further still from what I want. Am I willing to put myself back in this situation again? More important is whether I can trust my own decisions.

I came across this alittle while ago:

I am no longer haunted by the image of swimming up to the surface and gasping for air, only to be sucked back down so I have to swim twice as hard to get back up to the top again. Its never too late to learn the lesson that every apparent curse comes with a blessing. It wasnt until I was forty-three years old and listening to a thirteen-year-old speak her truth that I realized my various roadblocks in life had been detours into a better direction.

This divinely scripted pattern goes back to the very beginning of my life when I was an unwanted pregnancy and was adopted by my parents. I went from being somebodys unwanted orphan to being a prized child who couldnt have had more love showered upon him. Then I suffered through my childhood illness, eventually discovering skating and being healed. Whenever I lost, I would find a way to win. I find that for every unbelievably horrible price I had to pay in life, something followed that was an equally great reward for responding to things the way I did.

Before Shawnas inspiring speech, rather than looking forward to the next challenge, I would dread it despite the fact that things always worked out better for me in the end, that for every curse, there was a phenomenal blessing.

Excerpted from The Great Eight by Scott Hamilton with Ken Baker. Copyright (c) 2008, reprinted with permission from Thomas Nelson.
The full write up to find happiness To find that was exactly what I needed. It's time to get on with it-besides if I were to fail, it won't be without having sent failure to the fucking Emergency Room first!!!