evangelin

Party at the mansion....and I did not attend. So many invites and bed is where I stayed. Today more of the same. These hormomes are a bitch! The past few days-drained..then I saw. I see someone I care a great ddeal for, struggling and going within for the answers. I see him trying to find himself and come again-reborn. I know it's a journey that has to be made solo. For the life of me I don't know why I feel like I have to be apart of that....as if I am the only one in the world that can venture back into the womb when necessary and survive it. My Ego is worse than my period!
Still my angst not so long ago was founded. I felt what was going on without having verbal confirmation....other than th nasty text message two days later. My Ego wanted to defend and destroy. So I looked to logic and understood although I didn't agree with the outburst. I humbly accepted it and ignored it.It still irks me though, but I feel bad for all this.....It was never my intention to cause or be a part of this hurt. There can only be to in a relationship. If one is unhappy, than two need to decide the best course. Three doesn't belong and I know and have always felt that way. I said my peace with the full understanding that I needed to say what was in my heart, and walk away. I didn't start this and I tried to be the voice of reason, but the heart is tricky. There is no rhyme nor reason to what the soul sings-and it does, for a reason. Mostly the reason is lost in the haze.
His journey is his own and I respect and admire him for it.I'm fearful that in the end i will be without someone I consider a friend. Someone that makes me feel alive and that my soul seems to want to sing to. But I'm also fearful if he comes to me. Fearful I am wrong, that we both are. Fearful that perhaps we're not and a lovely melody insues.
That said-I need to resume my qigong practice and fall back in line with my yoga and tribal dance. They center me. I go for advanced qigong training next saturday and the end of the month for certification. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself and teaching it or atleast having the ability to show others seems the most natural fit for me.It wasn't a decision, but a call-so I answer.
I have to be knid to me. I have to stay focused and centered. I'm all I have and my faith that my life will lead me to my highest potential is what I live for....so I won't go to him....I owe him that space and I owe it to myself to know that if in time he comes to me, then it was meant to be and perhaps he is the one that I've waited so long for. Either way, my heart is with him and all will be as it should. That's the beauty of life. To let it unfold as it should without worry or regret. Without interference or manipulation. That is when you can trust that it is simply-Right!
For today I will be knid to myself. Blinds closed, in bed. candles and incense burning...read if i want. Doze off when necessary.Being still and silent.It's what I need for now. The silence. To go within, muster my strength from my center and just Be.