Ok, so promised a more in-depth update on whats going on in my life for a few times. I couldnt do it earlier because my mind was kind of a mess. Most of you probably already know Ive been in therapy for a year now and in two months I will be done with it. Ive had a lot of mood swings, have been feeling terribly tired for most of the time and havent been a very good friend, but I have learned a lot about myself this year and since just a month or so I feel like Im finally getting control over my life!
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Ahrg, AGAIN I find myself attrackted to the 'wrong' guy! The list of these guys seems to grow. They live too far away, or they're already taken, or they are just too busy with themselves..... I have been thinking why the hell this happens to me over and over again and I came to some conclusions:
I think I flirt with these guys because it's exciting and relatively save. I think I'm just too scared to have a relationship. Afraid I won't be able to keep a guy interested in me and end up with a broken heart once again. But I do like the attention so I keep on collecting guys I will never have a relationship with.
It's not that I'm really insecure about myself. I do know I'm good at some things. I think it has something to do with that somehow I have never learned I'm worth living which comes from the fact that I have been emotionally neglected by my parents. I have never found myself interesting enough for others. Have never learned to share emotions and thoughts in a 'good' way. I tend to only let people hear fom me when things are really good with me (putting on a mask I what I often tend to do) or when things go really bad with me and I can no longer handle it. This scares people off. They don't know what to do with me.
My parents have always had a very bad marriage and I have always tried to be a good daughter because they had enough troubles of their own. I used to mediate when they were in a fight and comford them when they were feeling bad, afraid one of them would leave one day. Also the only times I got attention from my parent was when I was really ill or when I had high grades at school. So all I have ever done was trying to be the best daughter they could imagine without paying attention to my own feelings, thoughts and needs. And this is what I tend to do with friends too. I am always trying to be the best friend I could possibly be and support them in bad times. I guess I'm afraid they might run off when I don't do that and start thinking about myself more.
I have learned now that this behaviour is actually the thing that makes people run off. They often feel like my intentions aren't sincere, although they really are. It's only logical that people don't know what to think about me and how to handle me when I don't share my inner thoughts and feelings.
Conclusion: I should open-up and shine a little light on myself, because I'm worth it!!!
Knowing is one thing, changing is a lot harder.
I hope this made any sense to you guys. There is a lot more going on in my mind, but for now this is what I wanted to share.
Drawings by exploding dog
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Ahrg, AGAIN I find myself attrackted to the 'wrong' guy! The list of these guys seems to grow. They live too far away, or they're already taken, or they are just too busy with themselves..... I have been thinking why the hell this happens to me over and over again and I came to some conclusions:
I think I flirt with these guys because it's exciting and relatively save. I think I'm just too scared to have a relationship. Afraid I won't be able to keep a guy interested in me and end up with a broken heart once again. But I do like the attention so I keep on collecting guys I will never have a relationship with.
It's not that I'm really insecure about myself. I do know I'm good at some things. I think it has something to do with that somehow I have never learned I'm worth living which comes from the fact that I have been emotionally neglected by my parents. I have never found myself interesting enough for others. Have never learned to share emotions and thoughts in a 'good' way. I tend to only let people hear fom me when things are really good with me (putting on a mask I what I often tend to do) or when things go really bad with me and I can no longer handle it. This scares people off. They don't know what to do with me.
My parents have always had a very bad marriage and I have always tried to be a good daughter because they had enough troubles of their own. I used to mediate when they were in a fight and comford them when they were feeling bad, afraid one of them would leave one day. Also the only times I got attention from my parent was when I was really ill or when I had high grades at school. So all I have ever done was trying to be the best daughter they could imagine without paying attention to my own feelings, thoughts and needs. And this is what I tend to do with friends too. I am always trying to be the best friend I could possibly be and support them in bad times. I guess I'm afraid they might run off when I don't do that and start thinking about myself more.
I have learned now that this behaviour is actually the thing that makes people run off. They often feel like my intentions aren't sincere, although they really are. It's only logical that people don't know what to think about me and how to handle me when I don't share my inner thoughts and feelings.
Conclusion: I should open-up and shine a little light on myself, because I'm worth it!!!
Knowing is one thing, changing is a lot harder.
I hope this made any sense to you guys. There is a lot more going on in my mind, but for now this is what I wanted to share.
Drawings by exploding dog
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
7deuce:
no no no no no no no in no way was i angry with you. all of that ws about my parents. i guess it was just a odd way to say it could have been worse.
7deuce:
in no way was i trying to say that.... everyone is entitled to their feelings i was trying to help. but apparently i'm no good at that. i know everyone is entitled to their feeling just as i'm entitled to mine.... i don't know what else to say.
in no way was i trying to say that.... everyone is entitled to their feelings i was trying to help. but apparently i'm no good at that. i know everyone is entitled to their feeling just as i'm entitled to mine.... i don't know what else to say.