eurisko

so why have i been so bummed? here is the explanation. and yes to no surprise ive hidden it from people for as long as i can remember.

for years, probably since i was about 13, ive had a really poor self body image or whatever you want to call it. peers would tease me about skinny and it eventually got to me by me developing a negative image of myself. and that led to low self confidence. so id wear baggy clothes and such to look "heavier" until i was about 17. then i became best friends with 2 guys who were extremely charismatic and i started getting more comfortable with mysself i guess you could say. i started wearing stuff that actually fit me and started accepting the fact that i was skinny, or i think i just started hiding it better. its not like i had an eating disorder, because it didnt affect my eating, but instead it affected me mentally. i would pick myself apart and just be really hard on myself in all situations. but i always had my friends, and the friends i met thru them as a support group, though i dont think they ever knew how much they helped me. and until about last year they both moved. one to cali, and one to japan. so that support group was gone. but i was happy. until recently, i started working 3rd shift and now dont really have time to hang out with anyone, so that has made me feel pretty lonely everyday except for saturdays when i actually get to hang out with people. and i was really pumped about getting to go to ball state a few weeks ago, and a friend was asking what all i was gonna do down there, and i said i was going to meet up with some friends and meet siouxsie and the friend asked if she had ever seen me, and i said well im sure she has seen pictures. and the friend said "and she still wants to meet you, she must be out of her gourd" and thats when all of my feelings of low self confidence started kicking in even more than they had been due to working, and it turned out i wasnt able to go since my friends ended up bailing. but all those bad feelings i used to have in high school are starting to come back to me. but this is the first time ive ever said anything about it. ever. so i guess it feels kinda nice to get it off my chest. i never tell anyone because i fear their reactions, and whatnot.