eternityx

I am so fucked in the fucking head.I have not been myself in a few days, this is true. I am concluding that the only time I am happy and carefree is in a drunkin stupor. I have too many worries and all because I care too much and I do to little for myself. So what the hell. I came home from work after being both mentally and physically drained. Yes, physical from work and mentally from something else.....I should not have to deal with someone elses deluded relationship cares as to the two of us when we were only ever friends. And it stresses me when said person who I work with, comes back in and cries at the office door when I have so much work I need to do. I am not claiming that I am the only one with problems, but I feel like I shouldn't have them and it annoys the fucking hell out of me. For every up there is a down, for every high a low. There are always bumps. Where does the carefree love and happiness that I strive to find come into play...only at the hands of a blade do I forget for brief moments that it is just a dream. The intoxication of fermented energy runs my veins into decay. My beliefs and values can only be found through the bottom of an empty shot glass. And that, my friends, is fucking sad, because it was never me. My life has been solitude, and now it is the reverse but with it carries the same burdens and tribulations which one should not have to surpass. Searching every moment for some glimpse of futuristic hope, leading only into denial and damnation. I can't even write in my livejournal anymore because tonight, when I arrived home, situations erupted and words were defined, and I should not have to sit here and cry and have my mind ripped apart in millions of directions. I should not have to make choices, or lack of choices for risk of betraying or hurting the closest ones in my life. Any decision I make is going to hurt someone, even me.

Lunar eclipsed. That's how I feel. And weak. I need sleep.