esykah

It's a beautiful day. Miles of endless gray sky. I've been drinking too much lately - more than I can normally stand, both in frequency and amount. This kinda scares me - everyone in my family is an alcholic, pretty much, and there are days I fear I'll end up going down the same road. School starting back up is a blessing, though, because distraction is the cat's pajamas. When I'm thinking about anything but what's really on my mind, it's just easier. I don't mean to sound like a coward, there's only so much a girl can take on at once and the last year or two has been drama city. I had two cop cars and an ambulance parked outside my house last night; on grounds of a suicide attempt but it was just a cry for attention. I thought that no one over, say, 25 was just in it for the attention but once again I got proven wrong. The thing is though... I worried for all of three and a half seconds until I confirmed the ambulence wasn't here for my brother; then I stopped caring. When this becmes normal - drunken screaming fests, barroom brawls, wrestling my mother to the ground to get the car keys out of her hand - something's way wrong. And well you know, I thought that moving back home would make my life LESS dramatic, and oh how awesome it would be to be able to go back to school and save money and get my shit together so I didnt have to wait tables and scrounge for the rest of my life - and now I'm wondering if it's worth it.

And yet...
right now I don't feel like that matters as much, I mean, I'm just not so down about everything today. Last night I had a long talk with someone who used to be my best friend - closer to me than I could have IMAGINED everbeing to someone else. Long story short we'd gotten into a huge fight - over a girl, and it was unbeknownst to me what we were even fighting for. We stopped talking for six months and then started again at the beginning of the summer - and well, we've been talking again ever since but it hadn't been near what it was before. Last night some things got said and some air got cleared and honestly it makes me a happy, happy girl.

I have complete faith life's gonna settle back down.. somewhere good.