esmee

i uploaded a new picture. its more recent, like today recent.
i'm melting and sore this morning. the inherent unpleasantness of mondays is tempered by the fact that my boss is at this very moment in court with his new girlfriend leaving me free to listen to ambient beeps and static on my cd player and study the raised pattern of the wallpaper at great length.

i am, i've realized, pathologically shy.
in movies its charming and childlike to be bashful and tongue tied. in reality its only annoying.
the main problem is just being alone too much i think. too much thinking is never good.
i have to stop blaming my ex for all my problems but i can't help but think that if i had never met him, everything might be better.
or maybe if i had dressed better in elementary school...or been smarter/funnier/better/less smelly/thinner/less smart...or somehow void of whatever kind of energy that kids find offensive for who knows what reason.
THEN things would be better right now.

not that they are bad... its just that mondays are so incredibly boring, its too easy to brood over their emptiness.