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esme

Chicago

Member Since 2004

Followers 159 Following 121

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Tuesday Jan 24, 2006

Jan 24, 2006
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as pro,ised, a short-short story. crit welcome. I'm told the last line isn't the right last line but I don't know what is.

Sushi-A-Go-Go

He picked up a piece of fish with his chopsticks and placed it in her mouth.
Thats some good fish, she said.
You want some more?
I want some of that, she said, and pointed across the restaurant with her own chopsticks.
He turned his head. I guess shes pretty, he said.
So what do you think?
I think Ive had enough of this, he said. I think Ive had enough.
What do you mean?
I mean Ive had enough of you. Ive had enough of you and your woman-looking.
Its only a game, she said.
Well, its a shitty game.
Maybe youre the shitty one. She put her napkin on the table and stood up. He watched her walk toward the woman at the bar. He watched her put her hand on the womans chair and lean in to say something in her ear. Then she pointed back at the table.
The woman stood up and they both walked back. She pulled her chair out for the woman to sit. Then she took an empty chair from an empty table and slid it between them.
This is Aline, she said.
Aline didnt say anything, so he didnt say anything.
Have some fish, Aline, she said.
Thats okay, said Aline, I just ate.
His plate was still half full but hed lost his appetite. I think Ill use the restroom, he said.
She looked at him. You know, she said, youre not the only person in this world.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
ladymaze:
New last line: "You know, you're not the only fish in the sea."




BWAHAHAHA! Oh, I crack me up. biggrin wink


Honestly, though...how about something a little less hyperbolic and a little more immediate, such as, "You know, you're not the only one here."

Other than that last line bit...which, honestly, I only mentioned because you mentioned...I like this. The spare language and the repetitions of some words ("enough," "game," "shitty," "empty"), and the structural parallelisms (Have some fish, Aline, she said.
Thats okay, said Aline, I just ate.) are very effective.

Did you intend that, in a way, you ended with the "he" being optimistic, in that his plate is half-full, rather than half-empty?
Jan 24, 2006
dewees:
yes it was so fun to hang out with you, too! and i'll be back in march. and then maybe later i 'll come for good. or months. smile!
Jan 24, 2006

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