Let's write.
My last entry was short. The past week, I've been caught in a time warp. It's been a very eerie one at that, as I felt I suddenly was transferred into the me a few years ago. Alone again. Everything I did was back to the third person view, and a general unease and feeling of uncomfortability followed me wherever I went. I smiled to people and was the open me, although somewhere in the back of my head something was going "What on earth are you doing, where are you." An impulse was driving me towards corner places where I could sit and stare at a wall, waiting for things to settle.Sometimes I would wrack my brain trying to figure out what it is this time, at others, I would sit still, contentedly, doing nothing, emptying my head, and thinking"I guess I'll let my subconscious handle this one." Enough conscious work has been done, let's rest for awhile.
Then, suddenly I would feel slight nausea, drop a few tears, and walk on. Focusing on the pain, feeling it develop and grow, waiting for it to erupt. And that was all I'd do, wait, and dream disturbing dreams. Dropping babies, being raped, or attacked by monsters. And a few nights ago, the time warp really took me far back. I started crying again, in the dark while trying to fall asleep, and this spook took over, I was sure I could sense a monster of some sort in my room. In an instant, I was scared of the dark again, acutely, which hasn't happened for years and years. I had to turn the lights on, and then wait. Again.
Today I had troubles forming coherent sentences and keeping up conversations. My mind was a blank, and I couldn't focus. Something was bound to happen, and I knew the pattern. Today would be THE day, Tears started running when I was in the store, buying the usual bread, cheese and such. Same in the train. In the elevator, I crouched, and felt like sitting down.
Closing the door behind me, I calmly put the cheese in the refridgerator, and the fruit in the bowl, and had a seat on the floor, on my usual place beside the stereo. And oh, did I wail. Rocking back and forth or leaning forward as if vomiting, I cried and cried and almost screamed, this intense pressure growing in my head.
Then the idea of putting Simon & Garfunkel on entered my brain. It's been more than a year, I think, and it's still playing now as I write, One of the CD's I love but haven't been able to play since my panic attacks and subsequent breakdown. Drool fell on my carpet because I couldn't close my mouth in between the sobs, the pain I could hardly express however hard I wept. And when I calmed down, I had a sip of whiskey. A flood of memories, and old emotions - weathers, smells, moments, good old times, how time just passes almost unnoticed. And spring again, water dropping from roofs, clear air, and the first fly buzzing in a caf. Meeting fine friends, spending cozy evenings together and settling in the realization of firm friendship.
Ooh, dramatic
My last entry was short. The past week, I've been caught in a time warp. It's been a very eerie one at that, as I felt I suddenly was transferred into the me a few years ago. Alone again. Everything I did was back to the third person view, and a general unease and feeling of uncomfortability followed me wherever I went. I smiled to people and was the open me, although somewhere in the back of my head something was going "What on earth are you doing, where are you." An impulse was driving me towards corner places where I could sit and stare at a wall, waiting for things to settle.Sometimes I would wrack my brain trying to figure out what it is this time, at others, I would sit still, contentedly, doing nothing, emptying my head, and thinking"I guess I'll let my subconscious handle this one." Enough conscious work has been done, let's rest for awhile.
Then, suddenly I would feel slight nausea, drop a few tears, and walk on. Focusing on the pain, feeling it develop and grow, waiting for it to erupt. And that was all I'd do, wait, and dream disturbing dreams. Dropping babies, being raped, or attacked by monsters. And a few nights ago, the time warp really took me far back. I started crying again, in the dark while trying to fall asleep, and this spook took over, I was sure I could sense a monster of some sort in my room. In an instant, I was scared of the dark again, acutely, which hasn't happened for years and years. I had to turn the lights on, and then wait. Again.
Today I had troubles forming coherent sentences and keeping up conversations. My mind was a blank, and I couldn't focus. Something was bound to happen, and I knew the pattern. Today would be THE day, Tears started running when I was in the store, buying the usual bread, cheese and such. Same in the train. In the elevator, I crouched, and felt like sitting down.
Closing the door behind me, I calmly put the cheese in the refridgerator, and the fruit in the bowl, and had a seat on the floor, on my usual place beside the stereo. And oh, did I wail. Rocking back and forth or leaning forward as if vomiting, I cried and cried and almost screamed, this intense pressure growing in my head.
Then the idea of putting Simon & Garfunkel on entered my brain. It's been more than a year, I think, and it's still playing now as I write, One of the CD's I love but haven't been able to play since my panic attacks and subsequent breakdown. Drool fell on my carpet because I couldn't close my mouth in between the sobs, the pain I could hardly express however hard I wept. And when I calmed down, I had a sip of whiskey. A flood of memories, and old emotions - weathers, smells, moments, good old times, how time just passes almost unnoticed. And spring again, water dropping from roofs, clear air, and the first fly buzzing in a caf. Meeting fine friends, spending cozy evenings together and settling in the realization of firm friendship.
Ooh, dramatic
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
fracturedguy:
Happy birthday.
hyppe:
yay.. happy birthday..i actually think its pretty nice when your brain goes like totally blank... but i like to sit and stare at things.. hope your having a great birthday..