Starting anew is so much fun. For children it involves taking posters from walls, cleaning the room, starting school. Then comes renewing your wardrobe, serious studies, moving away from your parents. It's clean, and it's refreshing, you don't owe a thought to what is permanent or what you want to keep, because the flow is on. I have come to realize that I haven't wanted to start again, or at least to such a symbolical degree, for a long time. I was happy where I was and wanted to keep it, and culture it. But nay, such things are not possible.
Because I, Eveyman'swhore, allow a dear friend's boyfriend to go down on me.
I take in my hands the most symbolical sledgehammer of them all and swing it with unparallelled zest.
So now something is destroyed, and I have no idea of what I can salvage. I feel I have lost the most important friendships in my life, the very ones that did so much to keep me afloat back in the days. I am still in shock, and my brain is on overdrive all the time. It has been more than a week, but I feel things aren't getting better. I feel that this is something one just cannot leave behind and start anew. I pollute the air I breathe. I thought I was a good person, and I would still want to believe I am. But can a good person make such a bad mistake? I can try to defend myself by saying I tried to stop it, was drunk, tired and half-asleep, that he was insistent and started the whole sequence, and that it is only due to me we didn't go all the way. This could make me feel better, but it doesn't do shitall to change the outcome. At this point the detail doesn't matter. People have been hurt, I have hurt people, I have shown them a stranger no one knew existed.
I have punished myself consistently but this is not working. I have read half way through a book on Buddhism, which only makes me angsty at this point. This is logical and natural, but real and painful nevertheless. I have talked to the few I can talk to. Nothing helps. What scares me most is that the only thing that would help is going back in time. So only the impossible can cure the unbelievable, while the probable future remains above and looming and extremely difficult to face. I find it hard to live with myself at the moment. How can I wash away dirt that is stained on my skin?
Ah, the terrors in a sinner's mind. One of my codes of conduct regarding sex involved never hurting anyone by it. Whoops.
Because I, Eveyman'swhore, allow a dear friend's boyfriend to go down on me.
I take in my hands the most symbolical sledgehammer of them all and swing it with unparallelled zest.
So now something is destroyed, and I have no idea of what I can salvage. I feel I have lost the most important friendships in my life, the very ones that did so much to keep me afloat back in the days. I am still in shock, and my brain is on overdrive all the time. It has been more than a week, but I feel things aren't getting better. I feel that this is something one just cannot leave behind and start anew. I pollute the air I breathe. I thought I was a good person, and I would still want to believe I am. But can a good person make such a bad mistake? I can try to defend myself by saying I tried to stop it, was drunk, tired and half-asleep, that he was insistent and started the whole sequence, and that it is only due to me we didn't go all the way. This could make me feel better, but it doesn't do shitall to change the outcome. At this point the detail doesn't matter. People have been hurt, I have hurt people, I have shown them a stranger no one knew existed.
I have punished myself consistently but this is not working. I have read half way through a book on Buddhism, which only makes me angsty at this point. This is logical and natural, but real and painful nevertheless. I have talked to the few I can talk to. Nothing helps. What scares me most is that the only thing that would help is going back in time. So only the impossible can cure the unbelievable, while the probable future remains above and looming and extremely difficult to face. I find it hard to live with myself at the moment. How can I wash away dirt that is stained on my skin?
Ah, the terrors in a sinner's mind. One of my codes of conduct regarding sex involved never hurting anyone by it. Whoops.
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What happened to you is not your fault, and you should not feel bad for fighting back. No means no, so if someone doesn't seem to get it, and tries to force himself on you, why shouldn't you repel them with all your strength?
I hope you're feeling better now?