erich

I feel like I'm losing the fight.

This is killing me.

I can't even count on my feelings to be real.

What the fuck kind of way is that to live?

Why would I even want to live if I can't trust my feelings to be real?

No, I'm *not* in love with her. Thanks to a loooooooooooooooooooooooong talk with a trusted friend, I realized that It actually is, as I feared, my stupid brain trying to take a minor attachment and turn it into something it's not.

That's just fucking lovely.

I'm desperately fighting the urge to drink.

I'm desperately fighting the urge to cut myself.

Suicidal thoughts are coming more often these days.

All I want to do is break down and cry, but I can't really afford the time to do that.

I don't know what the hell to do. I'm so horribly afraid that I've waited too long, that at this point in my life I'm permanently fucked up.

I'm fighting it. Fighting hard. Therapy. Antidepressants. I'm buying "Happiness for Dummies", just to try to change the way I think. Change the way I live, to the best of my ability.

I just hope and pray that I can do this, survive this fight.