Last night wasn't good.
The whole evening kinda blew, really.
And I have nobody to blame except me and my goddamn mental issues.
Took a visiting friend into Sacramento, to stay with another couple friends for the weekend.
Had a great time. Went to the county fair. Still had a great time.
Until I got one of those minute-long free massages. Damn near broke into tears on the spot.
My friend is married. The couple we're staying with is married.
I can't get a fucking date to save my life.
And the massage reminded me just how long it's been since I had anyone touch me like that. Even my last girlfriend wouldn't take the time to lovingly touch me.
I lost it.
Spent the better part of the evening in a funk.
We met up with another friend, went and had sushi. It was fun. I was feeling a lot better.
Afterward, it was hot tub time.
I went in, and lasted nearly 10 minutes before I *HAD* to get out. It was too hot, and was messing with my already-high blood pressure. Damn near fainted before getting out.
I was fucking devastated - what kind of pathetic fucking loser can't even sit and relax with friends?
I went into the spare bedroom and lost it. total breakdown. A good 10 minutes of just sobbing, while everyone else hung in the tub.
I finally grabbed a 6-pack of beer, and finished 4 of them in 10 minutes, grabbed my car keys (since I didn't have a blade) and carved a line, i'd say about 4, 5 inches long, into my arm.
At that point, I didn't really care what happened to me, so I stumbled my way back into the hot tub.
I slightly salvaged my night, but looking back, i fucking *know* I just made it worse for my friends.
My friends are good people, and have done nothing to deserve the fucking hell I put them thru.
I need to just cut myself off from everyone.
I'm a fucking mental case, and all I do is make things worse for the people around me. If I'm not around them, they won't have to put up with all my fucking bullshit.
The whole evening kinda blew, really.
And I have nobody to blame except me and my goddamn mental issues.
Took a visiting friend into Sacramento, to stay with another couple friends for the weekend.
Had a great time. Went to the county fair. Still had a great time.
Until I got one of those minute-long free massages. Damn near broke into tears on the spot.
My friend is married. The couple we're staying with is married.
I can't get a fucking date to save my life.
And the massage reminded me just how long it's been since I had anyone touch me like that. Even my last girlfriend wouldn't take the time to lovingly touch me.
I lost it.
Spent the better part of the evening in a funk.
We met up with another friend, went and had sushi. It was fun. I was feeling a lot better.
Afterward, it was hot tub time.
I went in, and lasted nearly 10 minutes before I *HAD* to get out. It was too hot, and was messing with my already-high blood pressure. Damn near fainted before getting out.
I was fucking devastated - what kind of pathetic fucking loser can't even sit and relax with friends?
I went into the spare bedroom and lost it. total breakdown. A good 10 minutes of just sobbing, while everyone else hung in the tub.
I finally grabbed a 6-pack of beer, and finished 4 of them in 10 minutes, grabbed my car keys (since I didn't have a blade) and carved a line, i'd say about 4, 5 inches long, into my arm.
At that point, I didn't really care what happened to me, so I stumbled my way back into the hot tub.
I slightly salvaged my night, but looking back, i fucking *know* I just made it worse for my friends.
My friends are good people, and have done nothing to deserve the fucking hell I put them thru.
I need to just cut myself off from everyone.
I'm a fucking mental case, and all I do is make things worse for the people around me. If I'm not around them, they won't have to put up with all my fucking bullshit.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
It'll only serve to make you feel more miserable and isolated.
And trust me, I know.
There's nothing wrong with having a bad night.
That kinda shit happens to everyone, and if they're your friends then they understand that.
I won't tell you to cheer up cause I'd like to hit people when they tell me that... but don't go running away to hide. You'll only worry your friends more.
Take care of yourself damnit *hugs*
but i also agree with the ladies above me that pushing people away isn't gonna solve anything. even though it totally seems like it will o,o...
and i know how you feel about being around people who are in love and all that bull shit. i was in a hardcore engagement before we broke it off months ago and until recently, i couldn't even see my parents sitting on the couch together without feeling nauseous. but just think how much more complicated things would be if you had someone else while you're emotions are haywire all the time. it isn't pleasant. and you end up dragging that person down with you. i've done that and it just makes u feel worse. be glad you only have to worry about yourself at the moment.
and the funny thing about car keys is they make great blades. ask my legs
much luv!
hang in thar!