9:29 New Year’s Eve 2023. Just watched the ball drop with my wife and kids. Now in my bedroom typing here. I’ve never felt so alone. I was betrayed over the last few months by the one closest to me. They went behind my back and did all the things I agreed to let them do. But they were done at the one place with the one person I begged them not to. And looked right in my eyes and smiled and wished me well at my birthday and holiday parties. Now here I am after learning the truth dying inside but looking steadfast to help them to move on. What the fuck world.
I am staying where I am for the sake of my children and the fear of being alone. I thought I was through the pain but today it came back like a blunt spear though my chest. Right when I’m supposed to be celebrating, but no one is calling me anyway. I am alone in this moment, utterly alone.
I am dead, but not yet able to leave this world. The voice in my head knows tomorrow I’ll feel a bit better, and maybe a bit better the day after that. Just waiting for my second wind.
… I started writing this 2 hours ago. My wife came into our room, crawled on top of me and asked how she could make things better. I didn’t have an answer for her.
Next minute her mother is calling from the next room she’s on the phone with my wife’s aunt whose husband has stopped breathing. Called 911 and translated English to Polish and back for them. Now we’re in the hospital waiting to find out if he lives.
I’ve been slapped in the face with perspective, or maybe it’s the adrenaline of the moment. But the anguish I felt when I started writing now seem so small and distant. Forgive the ones you love and hold them close. You never know which day is the last.
